


The Balcony Sessions

by TheDyingSun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: And them dealing with stuff, Awkward Homosexual Tension, Both of those together, Dick Jokes, Eventual Smut, First Time, Getting Together, Hiatus fic, I mean they're married so, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, In a happy way?, Introspective Tyler, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Mild Angst, Mild Language, Minor Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph/Jenna Joseph, Minor Tyler Joseph/Jenna Joseph, Post Tour De Columbus, Slow Burn, also, and stuf, character flaws
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-04 20:25:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11562693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDyingSun/pseuds/TheDyingSun
Summary: Tyler's shared his hopes his dreams with Josh, and now he can't let him go. He knows how to hold onto a good thing, how to never take someone for granted. The downside is that he stops wanting to share after a while.Josh leans closer, his voice speaking right into Tyler's ear.“Come with me.”Josh doesn't own Tyler, and Tyler doesn't own Josh- but this isn't a question.“To- to LA?”





	1. Beacon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um hello again. No, this isn't an update Me Calida, I'm sorry. This is something different that's been stuck in my head since Tour De Columbus ended.
> 
> I was going to wait until I was completely finished to post this but in light of recent events today, I thought some people could use a distraction.

 

 

The show ends.

Everything ends.  
Shows and tours and years and lives; memories fade and love dies, and people die too.  
Being out here, in the secluded forest behind his new house, really puts things into perspective.

That final show of the tour, that leap into uncertainty- what does mean in the grand scheme of things? Sure, it's heavy on Tyler and his torn heart, but it's still just a drop in the ocean of all of human history. Is it even enough to cause a ripple? A small one?

He doubts it.

There's a pond on the edge of the forest, a tiny, smelly little pool of water, not even ten feet deep, ten seconds to swim from one end to the other (not that he ever would, ew). It's pretty though, and a big selling point for him and Jenna. She liked the big oak tree on the edge of it, hanging over like something out of a painting.

Maybe he could try to paint it. It's not like he hasn't got the time now.

But he's tired today- mentally and physically. All these whirlwind thoughts he'd saved for the end of tour have caught up to him, and he just sits on a rock at the tree's base, hit hard by the realization that things aren't so temporary anymore.

Jenna's sitting out on the back deck, soaking in the sunlight while he rests in the shade. She looks up from her book every so often to listen to the birds, and make a mental note of where in the yard he is, just for the comfort.

He loves her so much, especially the way she knows how to handle him, and his volatile mind. Also the way her hair glows in the sun like a beacon, a second sun to eventually guide him back to the house, whenever he feels like returning.

He'd had plans to stay there for a while, watch the frogs hop in and out of the water, but then there's a third sun, yellow and synthetic. An obnoxious shade that he would (and does) hate on literally anyone else.

But on Josh, it's home.

Jenna chats with him for a bit, the two of them exchanging quick, happy bursts of words like they're fluent in a code that Tyler isn't. Which... is pretty accurate, actually.  
“He's down by the pond,” he hears, and looks up to see Jenna pointing. He doesn't wave and she doesn't expect him too. Josh smiles and Tyler can see his teeth from all the way across the yard.

Tyler expects him to come bounding down the deck stairs and come straight over, but he doesn't. He goes into the house.

Jenna meets his confused gaze and shrugs, what are you gonna do?

Tyler sighs and turns back to the pond.

A few minutes go by and Tyler thinks about Josh, and how strange and not strange it is that he's here.  
The tour is over, and during the breaks Josh tend to spend a few days with his family before shipping off to LA to let his socialite side breathe (and laugh, and drink). Tyler didn't like it at first, but he understands that it's what Josh needs sometimes, to be miles away from everyone here, to not have anyone else checking up on his decisions.

But- he's also used to being near Josh. His presence at Tyler's house feels normal again, even if the context is different. On every stage in every venue, Josh is there. Filling out every green room, making it feel less temporary, Josh is there. Telling Tyler about every city he'd too scared or tired to explore, being the same person no matter where they are or who they're with; Josh is home.

And this house- this is home too.  
Tyler nods to himself as things become clear. Home, and home. In the same place. That's why he feels this. That's why he can't help but be happy that Josh isn't giving him any space to cool down, that Josh is being selfish and clingy. Because Tyler's selfish too.

Josh comes back out of the house and slides the glass door shut behind him. He'd got a whole lot of something in his arms, and half of it drops to the ground when he reaches Tyler.  
“Help me would you?” he says, not demanding, but also not expecting a “no.”  
Tyler gets up and walks two steps to where Josh is about to drop his phone, and takes it out of his hands.  
“Thanks,” Josh says, distracted and bending down to arrange the stuff he'd dropped. There's a ratty grey blanket left over from the move, and a few bags of what definitely smells like food.  
And Tyler clues in.  
“A picnic?” he smirks. He's teasing, not judging- that's an important distinction to make. He's warming up to this idea very fast.  
“Yeah,” Josh grunts, bending over to spread out the blanket. “But like a cool, bros-only type deal. A Dick-nic, if you will.”  
Tyler snorts.  
“We are absolutely not calling it that.”  
Josh shrugs.  
“Tell that to your wife, she said it first.”  
Tyler's heart does an odd little flutter, a lighthearted happiness he hasn't felt in days. Sure he's been happy- bursting with joy, grateful, proud, and filled to the brim with light and love- but nothing as airy as this. No milestones, no big dreams. Just a stupid picnic. And Jenna's immature sense of humour.  
“Bruh-nch,” Tyler says, still just standing there with Josh's phone in his hand. Josh laughs.  
“That's great but it's like 4 o'clock. Dick-nic is better.”  
“Yeah but like- not all bros have dicks,” Tyler thinks up, on the spot. It's true after all. “So there.”  
Josh kneels on the blanket and rolls his eyes.  
“Would you just sit down? I got Chipotle.”  
Tyler sits.

For a few minutes there's nothing but the crinkling of bags as they unwrap several bowls worth of food. One of the things Tyler's always loved about being “famous” (ugh) is that there's always a spread of food- something Josh has clearly gotten used to as well. It's never one or two things- always a choice, always ready for them to pick and choose. Even if it means spending 60 bucks at Chipotle. They're spoiled.  
“This is beautiful,” Tyler comments, and Josh nods. They load up their paper plates and eat in relative silence (Tyler's still a loud chewer, as much as he tries to suppress it). Josh nods, but he doesn't say much. It's not until their first plates are clear that Josh speaks up, soft and full of doubt.  
“I'm sorry for coming over uninvited,” he says, looking down at the food. There's clearly more he wants to say, but Tyler knows this routine. He needs to feel like he's on safer ground before he lets it all out.  
“It's fine,” Tyler reassures. “I'm glad you're here man, I mean that. Plus: food.” He reaches over and rubs Josh's shoulder for emphasis.  
“Yeah, I know, but like it hasn't even been 24 hours,” Josh blurts out. “I just- I needed...”  
When he leaves it there, Tyler purposefully meets his gaze, coaxing Josh to look back up.  
“Needed what?”  
“To see you.” Josh shrugs, as if he's trying to be as nonchalant as possible to juxtapose his vulnerability. Tyler knows that routine too. He practically invented it. “I left my parents house to come here.. probably not healthy.”  
“When have we ever been apart for more than two weeks?” Tyler counters. “Seriously, when?” He's honestly not sure there's a good answer. Before they met, probably. “It's not your fault old habits die hard.”  
“Yeah but even we need space- and this isn't two weeks. This is last night at 2am- and only because you got tired of socializing.” A pause. “And here I am making you socialize...”  
“Oh shut up,” Tyler says through a smile. “It's not socializing when it's with you. It's- uh- different.”  
He's not really sure how, but there's got to be some way to explain it without sounding so cheesy.  
He thinks...  
...there really isn't. “Look we're kinda dependent on each other. It's just how it is I guess. We're together all the time anyway so it doesn't really matter.”  
“It matters now,” Josh says. “Now that there's nothing coming next.”  
“There's not-” Tyler's first instinct is to argue, but he's really not sure how to win this one. “There's never _nothing_.”  
Josh's face softens finally, and he smirks halfway.  
“That's deep.”  
Tyler snorts.  
“I mean it though. Are you staying for dinner? That's something.”  
Josh smiles fully now, and there it is, that safe ground that he so needs, that Tyler is so good at providing.  
“Maybe. But again: it's like 4:30 now and we're loading up on rice and beans.”  
“Whatever.” They both know that's not going to stop them- especially if Jenna's cooking.

A few more minutes of idle chatter go by before Josh pulls a Kit-Kat out of one of the bags and breaks it in half. Tyler has half a mind to tease at the fact that he couldn't shell out enough money for two- but he doesn't. He realizes what this means, and for all the times Josh's claims to be bad with words and awkward, Josh is a poet in his own right.

His actions have always been art to Tyler, shows of devotion as pure as painting something beautiful or writing a love song- not with words but with choices. (Tyler can still barely believe the time Josh quit his job to help him.)

Tyler's heart aches in that moment.  
“I'm scared,” Josh says. Tyler takes his half of the Kit-Kat.  
“Me too.”  
As much as Tyler could keep trying to reassure Josh, he realizes that this isn't the time. Josh doesn't want to be told not to be scared.  
Tyler gets that. Boy does he ever.  
“What are you scared of?” Josh asks, and it's as if the birds and frogs have all hushed to listen in. His voice is careful but intense. He's on the brink of crossing a line and he knows it. Josh does this sometimes, and Tyler kind of likes it.  
“I dunno, a few things,” Tyler says. “Some rational some not.”  
“Are you afraid I'll leave?”  
Tyler holds his breath. “I won't,” Josh says quickly. “I never will- but-”  
“Yeah,” Tyler blurs out. “I mean I know you won't but like. We've talked about this so many times.”  
They had- Josh knows where they stand. Tyler won't ever go solo. He can't. It wouldn't be the same energy, and even with Jenna at his side, he'd lose himself so fast. He wouldn't be here without Josh.  
“Yeah, we have,” Josh says softly. “I'm scared you won't want to make another album.”  
“Are you kidding?” Tyler shakes his head. “The sooner we just record it the sooner we can get on with our lives!”  
Tyler doesn't stop to think about what he's said until he realizes that Josh is silent, looking him over with a curious, contemplative expression.  
“You mean... back to touring?”  
“I...” Tyler falters. “I guess?” Is that really what he's saying? That being at home, on a break, and not on the road- that's what truly temporary. Playing shows, seeing fans, being with Josh- that's what's real. That's what's safe.  
He's honestly not sure, and that scares him too. Josh is still watching him, shifting his body closer in a way that doesn't feel intrusive. His crossed knees bump Tyler's and he leans forward a bit, so that he can speak more gently.  
“I don't want to go home,” he tells Tyler, like it the deepest secret he could tell. His breathing even softens after saying it, like a release. “And I don't want to go back to LA.”  
“Then don't?” Tyler says, not sure what answer to give. “But why not?”  
“People...” Josh tries, and fails.  
“Yeah,” Tyler agrees, in a joking tone. Josh chuckles softly.  
“Yeah, people.”

An intrusive set of notes cuts off what Josh is about to say. It's his phone, and he apologizes to Tyler before answering it.  
“Yeah... no I just. Yeah. But.... okay... okay... yeah, see you soon.”  
Josh hangs up and stares down at the screen for another moment.  
“I just got volun-told to go home,” Josh sighs. “Aunt and Uncle want to have a family dinner.” His eyes pleading with Tyler to give him an excuse to stay, but Tyler can't think of anything. Family is important and they both know it.

And they're both owned by their families.  
“You can come back tonight? Or tomorrow.”  
Josh shakes his head.  
“I know I can but...”  
“You're really not in a good place right now,” Tyler observes. “Not to see family anyway.”  
Josh gives a defeated sort of chuckle.  
“I'm really not... but I have to.”  
“Anxiety is a hell of a drug,” Tyler tries to tease, because his sense of humour is just that dark and edgy sometimes. But then Josh goes silent, and Tyler wants to kick himself. Josh looks back down at the phone but Tyler can't have that. He pulls the phone away and replaces it with his own hand, though the angle is weird. He can't intertwine his fingers with Josh's because they're facing each other, so he sort of just squeezes Josh's fingers and rubs them with the pad of his thumb, hoping to transfer even a modicum of the empathy he feels for Josh.  
Josh's breath catches, but he stays staring at their hands, thinking.  
“I still have to go,” Josh says after a moment.  
“I know,” Tyler tells him. “You'll just have to come back.”

Josh finally meets his eyes, then, and something passes between them that makes Tyler's heart beat faster. It's the same look as when Josh joined the band, and when they decided together to sign, and when they exchanged a Look before walking into that studio in LA. It's not just a milestone, it's them, passing through another layer of commitment. Strengthening their bond.

Tyler's not really sure how to categorize this moment, but that's true for other moments in their lives as well. It's not always black and white; what did it mean when they tattooed their names on each other? When Josh took Tyler out for breakfast to tell him he'd bought a house in Columbus? Their relationship- it's not bound by the rules of anyone else. These things, these moments- mean something to them and only them.

And that's when Josh lifts his hand and Tyler's, presses Tyler's fingers against his still lips, closes his eyes, and breathes.  
In and out, deliberately long-drawn, letting Tyler's touch and presence calm him down. It's a fragile moment that Tyler doesn't dare question, lest Josh recoil and never get to this point ever again.

Josh's hand falls naturally after a moment, and he lets go of Tyler to get to his feet. Tyler stands too.  
He's not sure what to say (“have fun” just doesn't seem appropriate right now), but Josh doesn't seem bothered.  
“See you soon,” is all he says, and then he's jogging back up to the house. Jenna looks rightfully surprised as he hugs her, no doubt commenting on his short stay, and then he's gone. Jenna is left standing on the deck, looking to Tyler for answers.

  
Josh doesn't come back that night, or the night after. He ends up being passed around his family for the next few days- which Tyler understands. Family is important- but he's already served time with his. It's kind of understood that Tyler needs to unwind at home with his wife for a while- but then again Josh is single so maybe no one's assuming the same about him. Josh loves people, loves everyone in his life with his whole heart- but that doesn't mean he doesn't need space.

And Tyler- Tyler needs Josh. The next night he imagines that Josh just needs to be alone, and he tries to be okay with that. Maybe all those things Josh said were just out of desperation, talking it out just to relieve some pressure, saying any thing and everything until he finally feels that leak in the dam.

Tyler usually hates when people treat him like that. But Josh... Josh is allowed.  
At any rate, Tyler knows he can't just jump to conclusions like this- but he'd rather battle it out in his own brain and at least get a song out of it than actually talk to anyone.

Jenna's out getting groceries when Josh comes back, smelling like cigarette smoke and damp from the afternoon rain. The rush of emotion Tyler feels catches him off guard, and he's pulling Josh in of his own accord, shoving himself into his friend's arms. Josh is quiet of for a long time, gently hugging back.  
“Can I use your shower?” he says.

They're both on the couch when Jenna comes back. She ruffles Josh's wet hair by way of greeting, and then flicks the back of Tyler's ear.  
“You should've told me he was coming,” she scolds without anger. “Woulda bought the stuff to make chili...”  
“You should just make a bunch and keep it in the freezer for me,” Josh jokes.  
“I already do, but Tyler keeps eating it.”  
Tyler feels an odd sensation as Josh land Jenna tease him, akin to butterflies. He doesn't mean to shift in his seat, but he does.  
“What were you guys doing?” Jenna asks, starting to take groceries out of the bags.  
“We were just about to watch a movie,” Josh says, looking back at her. “You want help with that?”  
“No,” Jenna states. Josh knows better than to try to push it. “You guys have your Netflix and chill time, and I can have my glass of wine and make dinner time.”  
“Can't argue with that,” Josh says, and snakes an arm around Tyler. It's a joke, and it makes them all chuckle, but then as Josh chooses a movie (he settles on John Wick 2, even though neither of them have seen John Wick 1) the arm just stays there. Tyler supposes it's fine- it's Josh after all, they've slept in the same bed in their underwear, shared a blanket on the bus hundreds of times. It's normal for them. It's nothing.

When he gets tired, and rests his head on Josh's shoulder, it's still nothing. Jenna doesn't bat an eyelash anyway- why would she?

Tyler falls asleep during the movie, and wakes up when dinner's ready. Jenna brings the plates to them, and Josh unwraps himself from Tyler to pull the coffee table closer. Jenna sits on the armchair with her own plate, and tucks her feet under her butt to eat. She winks at Tyler over a mouthful of pasta. He's not exactly sure why she does- Jenna always knows more than him- but at least she always tells him eventually. For now, Tyler sits up, his whole leg squished against Josh's, and eats.

After they're done, Tyler's even sleepier. It's the combination of the starchy pasta, boring movie, and the fact that he'd been up til 4 the previous night. He doesn't doze off per se, but does close his eyes as he lays against Josh (since apparently that's a thing he's allowed to do now). When the movie ends he registers movement, and the lights turning off. He hears Jenna climbing the stairs, and lifts his head. Okay, maybe he had fallen asleep for a bit- but he's up now.

It's just him and Josh in the dim light of dusk.  
“Why-” Tyler starts, but again he fears questioning these moments will make Josh shy away from them. Josh doesn't move though.

  
“I don't feel like I belong anywhere,” Josh tells the room. There's something about the tone of his voice that tells Tyler that he shouldn't respond just yet. Josh wants a listener. “I'm supposed to go to LA tomorrow night, and I don't want to. All of my friends- you know how many of them texted me offering to get me drunk when I got back? What if I don't want to get drunk? They're all so nice, but...”  
“Everybody's nice to you,” Tyler finally lets out, and it's really not the most selfless thing to say. He feels a lot of things bubbling up- jealousy, resentment, greed. He doesn't want Josh to want to see those friends. He doesn't like them. He knows what Josh is getting at, and he agrees. Josh has party friends, superficial and unconnected. Sure they do other things, like have lunch or go to the gym- but there are always drinks after. Or a joint. Or more.  
They're easy to be friends with. Josh is kind to everyone, lets them all in if they ask. They love him very much, and they take. They stay at parties till the very end. They have those deep conversations on dark porches at night, only to ignore it ever happened the next morning, only to say things like “well don't we all feel a little down sometimes?”  
That's what Tyler sees anyway. He likes to think he's met a lot of these kinds of people. They connect with you once and then leave.

Tyler shared his hopes his dreams with Josh, and now he can't let him go. Tyler knows how to hold onto a good thing. How to never take someone for granted.  
The downside is that he stops wanting to share after a while- but Josh and Jenna know that.  
By the look Josh gives him, Josh's thoughts are on the same track.  
“I just- I feel like I go too far,” Josh says. “I love it there, but I lose myself after too long.” A pause. Josh leans closer, his voice speaking right into Tyler's ear.  
“Come with me.”

Josh doesn't own Tyler, and Tyler doesn't own Josh- but this isn't a question.  
“To- to LA?”  
He's not even sure why he's asking. The words mean nothing. He knows he's going- he can either say yes now or have Josh convince him later.  
“I could show you around,” Josh suggests. “You've never seen it properly- it's different when you live there.”  
'You could be my excuse for avoiding my friends,' Tyler hears instead, and still, _still_ , his heart is picking up speed at the thought. 'You could be my excuse for avoiding everything.'

Tyler would like to think he's motivated by pure empathy, that all he wants is to help his friend out whatever mental rut he's been in the last few days. But he knows better- and he's sure Josh knows too. He likes the idea of Josh avoiding those people. He loves the prospect of having Josh all to himself.

“Think about it,” Josh says, as if the decision wasn't already made. “Talk to Jenna and stuff.”  
“Okay,” Tyler says.  
“Okay,” Josh says. “Good to bed Tyler. I'll let myself out.” He offers a light smile. “Jenna gave me a key.”

 

  
Tyler stays up and uses his restlessness to write out a song- or at least the words to one.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. I hope you like it so far. I promise it will get gayer and slow-burnier.
> 
> I need to dedicate this to the following people for helping with moral support, constant reassurance, idea bouncing, more reassurance, and even help with the title.  
> -Marsakat  
> -flightlessnerds  
> -MontyKarl  
> -josh1er on tumblr  
> -coughing-up-daisies on tumblr
> 
> I literally would not have had the inspiration, courage, or self-esteem to post this if it weren't for them. Thank you so much. And also thank you to everyone who read my other fics and commented. Even if I didn't answer, I saw what you wrote, and I love you.


	2. Synthetic Sun

 

 

Jenna kisses him when he finally settles into bed. She's got her standard shorts and tank top on, hair up in a lopsided bun, and Tyler still can't get over how beautiful she is.

“Josh wants me to go to LA,” he tells her.

“I know. He mentioned it earlier.”

“Tomorrow,” he clarifies. She smiles, amused.

“I know Tyler. You should go.”

Tyler leans away from her, lips still flushed.

“ _Why_?”

Jenna shrugs.

“Seems like you need it.”

“ _Josh_ needs it,” Tyler argues, with no one.

“It's not about that,” Jenna says, and is right, of course. “Or did you forget how down _you've_ been since the tour ended?”

Well- no, Tyler didn't forget. You can't just _forget_ about that stuff, but...

“This is a thing with you Tyler,” Jenna continues. “The moment someone else needs help, you ignore your own problems until _they_ feel better. But you're depressed too- and you know it. _I_ know it. You and Josh both need a lot more closure than you got. You saw your family and friends- you spent a good week here. You're _allowed_ to go.”

Her word is the last word. Jenna always knows so much more than she lets on, and she saves it for times like this, when Tyler's built up a tangle of fears and issues around himself. When he needs her to, she cuts to his core so fast, like she's clawed his chest open and exposed his heart to the open air. He loves that about her- enough to write a song about it.

“I was kinda hoping you'd try to make me stay.”

“No you weren't.”

Tyler snorts and kisses her again, quick and appreciative.

“Okay well if you _had_ , I would have.”

“I know.” She shifts, draping herself half over him, letting her warmth sink in, giving him that stare that he's powerless against. “But I also know you'll come back to me, no matter what happens.”

 

 

Tyler wakes up drooling, and the first thing he does his smile. The second thing he does is shower.

Jenna hops in as he hops out, both stark naked, and they kiss as they pass.

There's some odd quality about today, more sweet than bitter. Tyler feels as if he gets to have his cake and eat it too- Josh being the cake, and Jenna being the... well...

 

Typically, about half of the clothing he owns comes on tour with him. There's not much to swap out, but he goes for the bright colours this time because he doesn't want to melt in the LA heat.

Its alarming, how good he's gotten at packing.

 

Josh shows up around five, and his eyes linger on Tyler's suitcase when he spots it by the door. Jenna gives them both a long hug, and kisses Tyler again, unhurried. It's enough to make him dizzy. He loves her so much, and he wonders if he's ever going to get over the fact that she loves him too. Then it's into Jordan's car and off to the airport.

There's something inherently calming about this whole thing. Tyler reasons it's the fact that there's something else to look forward to now- plus it feels just like touring again. There's an airport, fans stopping them for pictures, and Josh at his side. He knows the schedule like he knows his tour dates: Flight to LAX, taxi to Josh's, two weeks in LA, then back to LAX, 7 o'clock flight, Columbus in the early hours of the morning. This feels right.

Josh seems to think so too. He chats with fans until their flight boards, and then chats with Tyler about all the stuff they're gonna do. At least a dozen restaurants, a bike tour, the beach, the pier, the mountain-

“We could also just cuddle in your apartment all week,” Tyler says, for some reason. It's a joke he makes often, and he's never sure it fits. Josh always smiles though.

“Okay, well if we do that, we at least have to get take out from Angelo's- they have the best pizza-”

 

They both wake up when the plane starts to land. The airport is too bright and they stumble down the ramp. Thankfully it's about 11pm in LA, meaning that the airport isn't a crowded mess. Tyler keeps his head down and under a baseball cap, and they somehow manage to avoid getting their photos taken between baggage claim and the taxi.

The ride there is mostly quiet, as it sinks into Tyler that there's no going back now. He and Josh are two compulsive idiots who decided to do this, and Jenna's the too-nice-for-her-own-good guardian that allowed it.

He thinks maybe he should call her soon- but it's like 4AM in Ohio.

Josh's apartment is dark and lifeless at first. Dustin's not there, and Tyler's afraid to ask where he is. Not that Tyler doesn't like him- he just likes being alone with Josh more. They're both exhausted and not sure what too say, so Josh just sets up Tyler in the guest room, hugs him, and goes to bed himself.

 

 

In the morning, things aren't so lifeless. Tyler wakes up to the smell of bacon and the sound of music. He knows exactly where he is right away- no morning confusion. The guest room shines in a clearer light now that he's had some sleep. Josh keeps his practice drum set in here, as well as a few other trinkets to populate the bare shelves. The closet's half open, showing an array of hockey and basketball jerseys from every city that's given them one- because of course Josh keeps those.

He's nosy and he lingers in the room a little longer. He recognizes a few things from Josh's old place in Columbus (pictures of family, worn books, a shelf full of CDs), and it fills him with something odd. He might just be glad he came here.

 

Josh is humming to the new Lorde album while he cooks, casting a heck of a mood over the room. Tyler comes in and watches his friend's back shift and turn, until Josh is facing him and smiling.

“You up for a hike today? There won't be many people on the paths on a Thursday morning.”

He doesn't turn the music down, doesn't seem to expect Tyler to say no.

“Sure,” Tyler says.

 

Josh rents a car for the week and drives them up to the trials. They've packed plenty of water, red bull, granola, and some sandwiches that Josh grabbed form a vegan place (“It tastes just like chicken, don't worry!”).

 

Things go well at first, they fall into an easy conversation about something pointless. Josh's phone goes off twice in a row and he scoffs and puts it on silent. Tyler isn't fast enough to see who it is.

 

They stop at a viewing deck overlooking the city and unwrap their not-chicken sandwiches. Josh watches Tyler with a twinkle in his eye, waiting.

“Yeah okay,” Tyler concedes. “Pretty close...”

Josh smirks, unsurprised.

“See, LA's not so bad!”

“I never said it was,” Tyler teased. “We did record an album here. And most of Blurryface...”

The air between them seems to tense, and Tyler immediately regrets bringing up that forbidden subject.

“Maybe we'll record the next one here,” Josh says quietly.

“Yeah maybe,” Tyler says. “Who knows.”

“We should... plan that,” Josh says.

“There's no rush,” Tyler says, but even he doesn't like the sound of that. “Why don't we decide at the end of the trip?”

“Yeah but...” Josh pauses to chew and swallow his food. “What if we get some ideas?”

Tyler shurgs. He's not sure where Josh is going, so he let's him talk.

“I mean we can't just- _not_ talk about it.”

“I thought you didn't want to talk about it.”

“Why-” Josh shakes his head. “Why wouldn't I want to talk about it? I never said that. Do _you_ not want to talk about it?”

Tyler's confused, and feeling exposed. Was it him? Was he the one avoiding it?

“I'm- I'm not bothered either way,” he starts. “I just- I'm not in a hurry. I don't want to feel like I'm rushing you.”

“You aren't,” Josh says in disbelief. “Tyler- I _want_ to talk about it. It makes me feel like- like there's something next. I was afraid _you_ were feeling rushed...”

“Yeah well- I'm the one that gets asked about it,” Tyler says. He's not trying to argue; he just wants Josh to understand.

“Yeah but I'm not some interviewer,” his friend says. “I'm _Josh_.” A pause, and the sun hides behind a cloud for a moment, soothing Tyler's squinting eyes.

These words confuse Tyler, because of course he knows that it's _just Josh_. He knows. It's not like he's got any demos in his pocket (just some words, but those don't count yet). If he did he'd show Josh first, before anyone.

“Let's just- let's forget about it,” Josh says, hoping his smile will lighten the mood. It kind of does. “We can head back if you want. It actually might rain.”

“Doubt it,” Tyler says honestly. Josh just shrugs, and they start back down the hill.

Tyler wants to bring up their conversation the whole way home, but he can't get the words in naturally amidst Josh talking about the sushi place they're about to go to. He doesn't like having more questions than answers. When they pull up to the parking lot, Tyler stops Josh from getting out.

“If- if I have ideas, I'll tell you,” he tries, and Josh's energy dims to match his. He puts a hand on Tyler's shoulder.

“Tell me if you do, tell me if you don't,” Josh says. “Just tell me.”

“O-okay,” Tyler says, not really sure what that means. Josh nods and gets out of the car, and leads Tyler into the restaurant. The lights are dim and the ceilings are strewn with elegant lanterns and fairy lights. There's a waterfall in the doorway, and an aquarium along half of one wall. In short, it looks expensive as hell.

 

They get a table in the back, away from prying eyes, and Josh orders them curried beef as a starter. Tyler can't deny that the food is good, but the price tag makes his head spin. Just because he can afford it, doesn't mean the business has any right to charge this much. It's all some stupid mark-up game, because the people in LA will pay for it.

But Josh... Josh just thinks it tastes good.

Tyler's too bitter in comparison. He needs Josh.

He relaxes and tries the salmon rolls.

“You good now?” Josh asks, smiling gently. “You just went through a whole face journey.”

Tyler snorts. Josh is an optimist, but he's never been stupid.

“Just thinking about how I need to lighten up a little,” Tyler says.

Josh shrugs.

“I like you either way.”

 

Five courses later, Tyler is bloated with rice and ready to recline on Josh's couch. It's amazing what good food can do for one's mood. He figures he can buy into the corporate game just this once. Of course Josh beats him to it, and does his best not to let Tyler see the bill. Tyler doesn't tell him that he sees it.

 

They get back to Josh's place and Tyler feels himself sink into the couch. Josh goes into his room and doesn't come out for a while. Tyler finally cracks and peeks into Josh's room to seem him talking on the phone in a hushed voice, back turned.

“-no, it's not that I don't want to see you- but Tyler's here, so I can't-”

Is all Tyler hears, before he remembers that he's 'ain't no busybody.' He slips back out before Josh notices him, and into the living room.

Josh doesn't come out, leaving Tyler alone to think about what exactly Josh was saying about him.

He suspected he was Josh's excuse for not seeing people, but the candor in his voice, the secret phone call just makes it seem like more than that. Josh never hides things from Tyler. Not that Tyler _expects_ Josh to tell him everything- but Josh always does.

Except now, apparently.

They're trying their damndest to be good friends to each other- what with Tyler coming on this trip and Josh inviting him- but even then... since the tour ended both of them have been plagued with emotions that neither of them seem to be able to communicate to each other. On Tyler's end, he's just too focused on Josh, knows his own problems are less important than helping his friend. On Josh's end, Tyler would guess that Josh lacks both the sense of introspection that Tyler was blessed/cursed with- meaning he finds it hard to truly describe his feelings, let alone summon the confidence to express them. Josh has always sheepishly said, “it's nothing,” or “it's stupid,” about his problems, before Tyler inevitability coaxes him into talking things out.

But Tyler can't figure out how to do that now.

And now Josh is actively keeping things from him.

Tyler is tempted to just keep bottling this up like he's so good at doing- but he can't tonight. There's too many things clogging, making his heart race, brewing a frustration in him that threatens to manifest as tears.

He needs to let something out. So he pulls up the notes on his phone and starts typing.

It just starts out as words that he's gradually able to write into a rhythm, able to make them into real lyrics, and he feels a relief as he exposes the source of his anxiety. It's the long, drawn out uncertainties between him and Josh that do it, the rift that exists where there should be none. How can he close the gap? He needs to close the gap.

He's well practiced enough to hum out a few notes and jot them down. He'll have to flush it out with an actual keyboard later, but this will do for now. It doesn't soothe the tightness in his stomach, but at least it portrays it properly. This is a feeling he needs to describe, because it doesn't have a name. The song doesn't have a name either, and it probably won't for a while.

He records the date and time, and notes the location as “Josh's apartment, living room floor.”

Feeling like he's done something constructive with his fears calm Tyler enough to get some sleep. He passes out on the couch, and doesn't stay awake long enough to see Josh rush into the room, ready to apologize.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for liking chapter 1 enough to read chapter 2. Chapter 3 is written but I'll be moving next week and won't have internet for several days. I'll do my best to make it to the nearest Starbucks, or post the night before I move- but I'm sorry in advance if that doesn't happen.


	3. Plans

 

The morning sun is bright in Tyler's eyes and makes him squirm around on the couch for a moment. He fights it for a few more seconds, before giving in and accepting that he's up now. He gets himself vertical, pushing away a blanket that wasn't there when he fell asleep. He smiles.

Being the first one awake in someone else's house is always a feeling that Tyler's found oddly peaceful. He'd write a song about it- if only he could come up with ten more lines. He thinks he's used up most of his creative juices for the next few hours.

Josh rarely uses his balcony, which is a crying shame in Tyler's opinion. The third floor view isn't the highest, but it's a raised perspective on a quieter part of LA that looks immaculate in the hazy morning sun. No really, it's looks like a damn postcard. Tyler takes a few pictures, and sends the top three to Jenna.

Despite still not being sure why exactly he came and what part of Josh he's trying to fix, Tyler's still glad he's here. He rests his elbows on the barrier and watches the city start to wake up.

The door slides open an hour or so in, and Josh emerges in last night's clothes.

“I thought you left,” he says, slightly amused. His hair is a mess when Tyler looks back at him, and he needs to shave (or doesn't). “I almost called your phone.” He smiles tiredly. Tyler really wants to bring up last night but for some reason he just can't yet. Josh looks like he has a stressful night and wants to talk about anything other than his 90 minute phone call.“You should be careful out here,” Josh continues. “People might see you.”

Tyler watches as he steps back into the living room for a moment, and fishes something out from the hall closet. He pads back out onto the balcony with a rubber exercise mat. Tyler sidesteps as Josh lays it down.

“Here,” Josh says. Tyler descends to sit on the mat opposite from Josh. Behind the faux stone barrier wall, all Tyler can see is the sky- and the bottom of balcony above them. They're outside, but safe and hidden.

“Okay, so this is a vibe,” Tyler concedes. Josh beams.

“Isn't it?

“You should like... get some bean bag chairs in here, maybe some string lights...”

Tyler takes great pride in the way Josh's eyes get big, and he nods and nods.

“Yes- _dude_ \- today. Let's do that today!”

 

Josh showers first, then Tyler. They load up in Josh's rental with a game plan of three stores. They're all different ends of town, but honestly Tyler doesn't care.

  _What are you up to?_ Jenna's text floats through, followed by one of the several happy emojis she likes to punctuate her messages with.

_We're going shopping_

_Ooh for what? Lingerie?_

_Haha um. Bean bag chairs..._

There's a definite pause here.

_OMFG that is the most Josh and Tyler thing I have ever heard. You should tweet about it._

_Maybe... we haven't been caught yet._

_Well that's not gonna last... not if you go out anyway._

_... what should I say to people- when they ask?_

_Just tell them the truth- that you're visiting Josh. It's an acceptable reason._

_I guess..._ Which was Tyler's way of nicely saying “I don't really agree but I don't see how I could argue.”

 

They get stopped by fans about ten minutes into Walmart. And then again and again, and again.

“Oh I'm just visiting Josh,” Tyler says.

“No, no album yet, just hanging out,” Josh says.

It's easier than Tyler thought it would be. Still, he wants to grab the cheapest bean bag chairs and leave. Josh, however, is calm beside him, navigating aisles and conversations with ease. Tyler already wants to go on Twitter and see what these people have written about him.

Josh keeps trying to ask Tyler which bean bags he should get, as if Tyler has any authority over what Josh puts in _his_ house. Finally Tyler gives in and picks out some dark grey ones with wool covers because _okay fine_ they look kind of cool. They pick up two packs of soft white Christmas lights too, and then a cheap rug. Then of course they need snacks- and a tray to put the snacks on. They're have to stop for lunch at this rate...

 

Three hours later finds Tyler and Josh making several trips up Josh's apartment stairs. They make a mess setting up the balcony and filling the chairs with “beans,” and Tyler holds the dustpan while Josh sweeps it up. They string the lights up with cable ties and set Josh's laptop up on a little stand. By the time they finish, the balcony looks completely different. It's cozy and inviting, and just for them.

“If I only I spent more than two weeks a year in this apartment,” Josh jokes- which he immediately takes back when he realizes that he's got time now.

 They've both got time. They can decorate their houses now; maybe make them feel like home.

 Tyler doesn't think on that too much though; his mood is great despite how exhausted he is. He curls up in his chair and closes his eyes, listening to the city around them.

 Josh clicks around on his phone and laptop, and after a few minutes, Tyler comes back into reality.

“Whatcha doing?” he asks Josh.

“Canceling plans,” Josh shrugs.

“You-” Tyler swallows, his mood dropping. Does he really want to hold Josh back like this?

Of course he doesn't. He's selfish, jealous, but he's not a monster.

“You should go do something- it's fine. I'll chill out here.”

Josh eyes Tyler, still laying comfortably in his bean bag chair.

“You sure? I mean it's a party- it's the kind of stuff I need to cut back on, but...”

“But?”

Josh runs a hand through his hair.

“I don't think this one will be too bad. They're nice people- you might like it.”

“Nah it's cool,” Tyler says. “How about we just make a rule that you come back for a certain time?”

“Midnight?” Josh asks. “I won't stay the night there?”

“Sure, Cinderella,” Tyler teases, and Josh snorts.

Josh nods and sends a text.

“Man- are you really sure? I feel bad for inviting you out here and then just ditching you like this.”

“You're not ditching me,” Tyler argues. “I don't want to go Josh. I'll just chill, maybe work on some music.”

“Oh!” Josh says, and his smile returns. “Okay, in that case I can get out my keyboard for you!”

Josh gets up from his bean bag and bounds into the house, leaving Tyler confused. He sits up.

“When did you get a keyboard?!” He yells back into the apartment. Josh doesn't hear him. Tyler groans with the inevitability of leaving his comfy space and trudges into the living room. Josh comes out of his bedroom with a small 61-key, and sets it up on the stand.

“I don't have a seat for it,” Josh says sheepishly. “You can use one of the kitchen chairs...”

“Again, when did you buy this?” Tyler asks, looking down at the piano. “Is it yours?”

“Oh, like right when I got the place,” Josh says. “I figured if you were ever-” Josh's words come to an abrupt halt, and Tyler feels as if the air has just been sucked out of his chest.

It's for him. Josh keeps a keyboard at his house. For him.

“Just in case,” Josh finishes lamely. “It's uh- a bit dusty maybe-” he brushes a few keys off with his hand. The thing isn't plugged in so it makes no sound. “Um I'll order you some food too- are you _sure_ you don't want to come?”

“ _Yes Josh,_ ” Tyler reassures, not for the last time.

 

Tyler doesn't write a song.

But he does write a melody, a few sets of notes, meandering like his thoughts- but it doesn't go well with the words he's written as of late. Still, the melody feels right, like it has words of it's own, that were born of what he's feeling. This is the perfect reminder that not all songs _need_ words to have emotion.

He's not sure what to call it. It's a decent tempo so far, but he's mixing minor and major keys between the verses and chorus because he wants it to be upbeat- but not not in a way that _lasts_. He slows it down for the ending- thinks he might make it fade out if they ever record it in a studio- ends it on some lingering notes that aren't nearly as sure of themselves as they were at the beginning, making it sound almost as if he's forgotten how to play. Tyler's kinda proud of that little metaphor, and he wonders if anyone will catch on if he shows them.

The hours go by, and Tyler eats the pizza Josh ordered for him. He tries not to think about Josh. He rewrites the bridge.

He thinks about Josh anyway- not in a bad way though. He's glad that Josh is being social, and he's glad that they're both able to give each other this one night of space. Tyler thinks that maybe he's too judgmental of Josh's friends here, since Josh clearly sees something good in them. Josh is an adult who's allowed to make his own decisions. He can hang out with whomever he wants.

Tyler just hopes he isn't sleeping with any of them.

Tyler looks up from his piano, completely taken aback by where his mind has just taken him. Why _there_? Why _that_?

To an extent Tyler knows why; it might take Josh away from him... but there's more, isn't there? He knows there's more, but he can't describe it yet, let alone name it.

Tyler doesn't like not knowing himself. He needs to understand.

 

In the end it doesn't matter- Josh comes back at midnight- albeit a little tipsy, but still at home regardless. He inhales the left over pizza before anything else, and mostly sobers up (though he seems more giggly than usual).

“Did you write anything?” He asks, flopping onto the couch beside Tyler.

“A tune,” Tyler says, guarded. He doesn't mention the words he's gotten down lately, because they're all about Josh.

Josh beams.

“That's great! Let's hear it!”

“Isn't it- a bit late?” Tyler wants to show Josh, but he also doesn't want to earn him a noise complaint. Plus if he knows Josh, he knows that he's going to want to try out a drum track _immediately_. “Let's work on it tomorrow.”

Josh doesn't move, and Tyler is subject Josh Dun's trademark puppy eyes, a force he has only experienced a handful of times. He's lost every battle against them, and tonight is no exception. Tyler pushes off the couch and goes to the keyboard. He plays out the verse and the hook, but takes a split second to gauge Josh's reaction before he starts the chorus. He shouldn't be surprised that Josh is smiling, but it spurs him on nonetheless. He plays the chorus notes a bit louder, before dropping back down for the verse. He imagines a drum beat in his mind and tries to play around it, giving Josh room to work. He lets the song rest there and Josh explodes into applause- which Tyler shushes through a smile.

“Okay relax, it's just an idea,” Tyler says, but of course there's a giddiness creeping into his mind, and blush creeping into his skin.

“It's great,” Josh tells him. “You played with the tempos a bit. Love when you do that.” Josh stands up, not as shakily as Tyler was expecting. “I can already think of a drum fill-”

“No-” Tyler blurts. “I knew you were going to do that. Josh your neighbors are gonna kill you.”

Josh offers a smiled, but shakes his head.

“That's very considerate of _you_ , Tyler Rulebreaker Joseph.”

Tyler rolls his eyes, because of course Josh has a point.

“That's different- this isn't a concert, this is your house. You live here.”

Josh shrugs.

“Not really. But yeah alright, I'll demo in something on the lap top, how about that?”

Tyler doesn't have an objection to that- like at all. It feels good to be working with Josh like this, but without pressure. This song might never make it to the label's ears. It might never even leave this room.

 

They end up on the balcony. Tyler's not sure why, but he's not complaining. He's got the keyboard off the stand and down on the rug, and Josh has since grabbed his cheap little sequencer and has managed to lay out decent beat with it. No one calls about the noise, and after an hour or so they've got a nice instrumental demo'd on Josh's computer.

Tyler feels fulfilled by the time the track is done, and Josh is grinning like a madman. He's sobered now, and chugging water. They get more pizza delivered and talk until they see sunlight.

“This is what I needed,” Josh says, falling back into his bean bag chair. He extends his legs out as much as he can in the small space, extends his arms above his head, and stretches.

His long torso curves beautifully. Tyler can just make out the small of his back lifting off the cushions. Josh relaxes a few moments later, making a noise that sounds vaguely sexual, and just lets his body settle half-on and half-off the chair. Tyler's really not sure why he watches all of this in great detail, but he's kind of fixated. He finds a weird appreciation for the way Josh's body moves, and looks, and sounds. He should probably sleep soon- his head's clearly in a fog.

“I feel _balanced_ again,” Josh announces.

“Because we demoed a song?” Tyler asks.

It can't just be that easy, right? Spend three days in LA with Josh, demo one song and boom! He's fixed?

“Because we're doing _something_.” Josh says. “Not just... sitting here.”

“You need to work,” Tyler observes. He thinks he understands- he feels good about getting the demo done too, if only because he thinks the fans will really like the instrumentals. Josh shrugs.

“Been working since I was 16, so yeah, probably. I mean this is more than just a job, but it's still. _Something_.”

“We could...” An idea comes to Tyler, and because it's like 5am, he just blurts it out. “We could set a schedule. Nothing official, but like- one demo every few days, or like a drum track or lyrics or something.”

“Yeah,” Josh breathes, and nods. “Not for anyone else. Just for us.”

“Yeah.”

Neither of them want to move, but as Tyler's 6am alarm goes off, they both admit that it's time to go inside. They move everything just inside the doorway, leaving it on the living room floor for next time.

 

Tyler still doesn't want it to end.

“You wanna watch a movie?” he asks Josh, settling onto the couch.

Josh hesitates.

“I'm never gonna sleep if I do that,” Josh says. “But feel free dude.”

“Nah, you're right. Good night Josh.”

“Night Tyler.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things:  
> \- marsakat, MontyKarl, flightlessnerds, josh1er and coughing-up-daisies continue to motivate me and be patient with me working out my insecurities on this fic. If you know them, show them some love <3  
> -Today is possibly the last day I will have internet this month, hence me uploading this early  
> -meaning next update won't be till Sunday at least, and I may not be able to reply to comments till then  
> -I love you okay bye


	4. Momentum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up folks, this is a long one (but a good one).

When Tyler's wakes up, it's to an argument. He hears Josh's voice followed by another's on the balcony- which is just outside his guest room window- and his opens a sticky eye to see Dustin through the blinds. Tyler has no choice but to hear the words- muffled but totally understandable.

“You can't keep avoiding people like this Josh!”

“Yeah well I'm not _obligated_ to spend time with anyone. Just because I'm back doesn't mean...” Josh mutters something quietly.

“It's- it's not about obligation Josh- we're your friends! You're supposed to _want_ to see us. I talked to Jared- you avoided everyone in Ohio, and now you're avoiding everyone here!”

“I do- I do want to see people, but I don't want to go to a bar every night- or some random house party.”

“Then what do you want to do? Huh? Look I know you need space- that's why I moved out. But obviously you don't want to be alone or else Tyler wouldn't be here.” Tyler flinches at the mention of his name. So this _is_ about him. Great.

“I saw you last night,”Josh deflected. “What more do you want?”

“I want you to stop choosing Tyler over everyone else. And I want him to start letting you leave the damn house.”

“He does-”

“I mean fuck Josh, why would you even bring him to LA when you just spent two years with him. Don't you want a break? Unless...”

Tyler feels the tension in the silence.

“Unless what?” Josh says lowly, putting Dustin on thin ice. Tyler has seen Josh like this before, this calm sort of anger, patiently waiting for the other person to dig their own grave. Seen it, but thankfully never made Josh quite this mad himself.

“Nevermind dude-”

“Unless _what_? Say it, if you really think it.”

“Look- Josh it was a joke.”

“You didn't say it like a joke. You _really_ think it might be true.” Josh's body language shifts, crossed arms dropping, shaking his head in disbelief.

“I mean- who cares if it is? I'm still your friend...”

Josh sighs.

“Alright, alright- I've had enough. I don't want to argue anymore, okay. Especially about that.”

And just like that, the tension deflates.

“Yeah man, that was out of line. I know your- your history... And Tyler's cool. I just want to see more of you. And it's not just me.”

“I get that,” Josh says, lighter. “I just need more time okay? I've never not been touring. It's hard to just _stop_. And for the record, _that's_ why Tyler's here.”

A pause.

“Sure Josh.” The glass door slides open and and Tyler quickly pretends to be asleep just in case. They walk to the apartment entrance, where they say a hushed goodbye.

“I'll text you,” Josh says, and means it. Then he shuts and locks the door. Tyler hears Josh sigh, standing still for a moment, before his footsteps resume. The bathroom door closes, the shower starts, and Tyler stops holding his breath.

 

He's not even sure where to start with what he just heard, so he goes with the only thing he knows for certain- Dustin has moved out. He has no idea when, and no idea why Josh didn't tell him. Tyler wants to think it slipped his mind, but there's a lot Josh isn't telling him lately. But that's Josh's choice.

Tyler just can't understand know why he would choose that.

As for the rest, it's not really a surprise that Josh has been blowing off his LA friends. Tyler had half wanted him to after all, but now that he sees the repercussions he's not so sure. Josh is a social butterfly, and it can't be good for him to isolate himself that much.

There's no way that Tyler alone is enough to sustain him. And yet it's clear from Dustin's slip up that Tyler's important to Josh.

He's just not sure how, or what both of them were so careful not to say. Tyler's suspicions start to filter in, but he knows this game by now. If therapy has taught him anything (literally anything) it's that assuming the worst helps nothing. Not that Tyler is cognizant of this the other 9/10 times he freaks out- but this time he knows that the best thing to do is to talk to Josh.

Somehow.

He waits on Josh to leave the shower, and then he waits a little longer so that it doesn't seem like he was waiting. He slips into the bathroom for his morning routine, giving Josh plenty of time to compose himself.

 

But Josh is still sitting on the couch when he comes out. He's too still, subdued, and Tyler's nerves spark with anxiety. He always hates seeing Josh like this. He has to fix it.

He settles on the couch, pressing up against Josh without a word. Josh puts his arm around Tyler silently, accepting the physical contact. He places a hand on Tyler's head, gently steering it down to rest on his shoulder. Once they're both comfortable, Tyler exhales and sinks into it.

He wants to bring up what he overheard with Dustin, but by the way Josh is holding on to him, eagerly accepting the touch- well, it's clear that he knows what Tyler heard, and has no intention of hiding his emotions from him. He's just as troubled as Tyler, just as needy.

Somehow, they've skipped the awkward reveal where they both pretend to be surprised, skipped the admission that it's depleted Josh's store of happiness for the day, and skipped Tyler asking how he can make things better. Instead they've stumbled straight into the core of it, comforting each other in the most basic, wordless way possible.

“Should've told you he moved out,” Josh mumbles, words rumbling in his chest, which Tyler's ear is pressed against. His voice sounds like it's on the brink of cracking, and so close- almost as if it's more real than it usually is.

“Why didn't you?” Tyler just barely exceeds a whisper.

“Didn't want to seem like...” Josh starts. “I don't know, _desperate_? Like I'm trying to...”

“Get me alone?” Tyler asks. He may have crossed a line- doesn't matter. He feels safe here. He feels the gap closing.

“And keep you alone,” Josh adds. “I'm not that kind of guy. I don't get jealous or whatever.”

“But you got jealous,” Tyler confirms.

“Just- not exactly. I spend every day with you. We've built this whole thing, and you're a part of my life now... but we're never alone. It's never _just us._ ”

He's right of course. It's always a bus full of friends, or an interviewer, or an audience. Or Jenna. It's never just them. And he understands now that even before they came to LA, Josh had been trying for some alone time; trying to have something real that wasn't for the benefit of the fans, or anyone else.

“But still, I didn't mean for it to turn out like this,” Josh continues. “Dustin moved out because he outgrew it, and I was going through some stuff. He wanted to be close to his girlfriend, and his job- and I just wanted to keep living the same way because it was all temporary to me anyway, you know? And- and the idea of coming back now made me realize- it's _not_ temporary. When I came back this time I _would_ be alone, for who knows how long- and I can't- I didn't want to do that. I would have gone crazy.”

Tyler's quiet as Josh vents, and he understands. The tension over Josh not telling him about Dustin unravels like a slipknot, resolved just like that. But Josh keeps talking.

“This isn't Ohio- there's no one here who...” He tries again. “Like my friends here aren't gonna stop me from doing a bunch of drugs or something and say 'hey man, this isn't like you.' Because they don't know. They don't care if I do that stuff- which I don't. They think they're helping me 'find myself,' but I don't _need_ that. _I'm right here_. I don't _want_ to forget- or change! I don't want to ever act like something I'm not, but I think do when I'm here, when I'm not in Ohio... not near you.”

Tyler mind takes it's time as Josh speaks, working over every word and fitting them all together.

“Sorry- I'm rambling,” Josh says, to which Tyler hastily sits up, and looks Josh in the eye.

“No- you're not. We _need_ this,” Tyler tells him, so sincerely that he feels his chest swell as he speaks. “We gotta talk this out man.” Josh nods and falls silent, giving Tyler his turn. “You feel like you have no control here- why is that? You have _all_ the control. You choose where to go, what to eat, and who to talk to. You chose to live here. What else is there?”

Josh shakes his head.

“I honestly don't know man. Maybe I'm just a pushover.”

“You kind of are,” Tyler admits, and they share a smile. “But you're way better than you were.”

“Yeah I'm working on it,” Josh says. “But like- what about you? You came out here when you could have been with Jenna. Is everything...?”

Tyler tenses, not wanting to dwell too much on where Josh is steering the conversation. It's not Jenna that he's afraid to discuss though- it's himself.

“We're great,” Tyler says. “I mean she let me come here, if that's any indication. Josh- you know she's- she's _Jenna_.”

Josh nods, apologetic.

“Yeah, you're right. I guess you're just... down about other stuff? The tour ending?”

“Everything ends,” Tyler says, not a yes or a no. “It is what it is.”

“But...” Josh starts, and then sighs. The tension in his gut suddenly turns to ice, and Tyler realizes that Josh knows exactly what he's doing- being purposefully vague. Pulling back. If only he could push himself just that bit farther, if only he were as strong as his best friend.

“I'm sorry,” Tyler says. “Maybe tomorrow we'll talk about it.”

“Tyler it's just me,” Josh says. “Please.”

And suddenly, just like that, they're at the breaking point, a precipice where the pieces could fall anywhere. Tyler's not sure how to navigate this- he could hurt Josh, or himself. He could also find comfort in his friend, and get some relief- but he doesn't know the path. He knows he needs to talk but not what to say, he knows all the directions his mind is pulling him in, and he knows that the easiest thing to do is run.

He could do it. He could pull back.

This is too hard.

Josh is seconds away from giving him an out, easing back on the pressure- he's never one to push too hard, lest he hurt the ones he loves-

“You love me, right?” Tyler says. You won't leave? I know you won't but I always _feel_ like you could, and I can't bear that. Just reassure me one more time-

Josh is quiet beside him, breathing deliberate, and Tyler doesn't know how to read that. It's not the reaction he was expecting.

“Of course I love you Tyler,” he says. It's too calm, too careful. “You know that...”

“Yeah,” Tyler says. His options are thinning now.

He rules out running.

He rules out lying.

Deep down Tyler knows that sincerity is the reason he and Josh are strong. He's always scared when he's this honest to Josh, and he's always grateful.

“Well, I wrote some stuff.”

He wants to flinch or shy away, but he also needs to see Josh's reaction. By the gentle look, it's clear Josh has picked up on the fact that this isn't just “some stuff,” or else Tyler would have told him right away.

“Words?” Josh asks, and Tyler nods.

“Heavy ones.”

“When?”

“The other night,” Tyler says carefully. “And a few nights before that.”

“Can I see?”

Tyler forces himself to breathe. He tells himself that this is the worst part, that it's almost over. He unearths his phone and pulls up his notes. He hands the device to Josh, quick like a band-aid-

and braces himself.

“Thanks,” Josh says, _so gently_. “Want to go out onto the balcony? In case we get inspired?”

“Fine,” Tyler mutters. Honestly he just wants to get this over with. The time it takes to grab the laptop, keyboard, and sequencer outside is minimal- but painstaking. Josh sets his computer on the stand and reclines in his bean bag chair. Tyler sits on the edge of his.

The sun cuts across the balcony but they're safe in the cool shade of the barrier. The fairy lights supplement the glow of it. Tyler hasn't seen the “new” balcony in the morning light yet; it's extra golden.

But it does little to calm him down.

It figures that Josh is a slow reader.

Tyler uses the time to obsess about what he's going to say. He thinks that words like “it's pretty” or “it's good” are going to be the death of him. He can't bear to hear something so general- not from Josh. God, he's such a cliched suffering artist...

“Wow,” Josh says. “I know which night this was. I understand... that's how you...”

Josh stares at Tyler for a long few seconds.

Tyler breaks the silence and snatches the phone.

“Tyler- don't-”

“Relax,” Tyler snaps. He rests on his knees for a moment. “There's another one.” He pulls up the next note and hands it back over. This time he watches his friend as he reads. Josh puts all of his attention into the words, pupils twitching as they track the letters, soft brown framed with downward slanted lashes. There are freckles between his eyes, decorating bridge of his nose and the tops of his cheeks. His hair is getting longer, and the colour is fading.

 

Josh looks up and Tyler looks away, but only for a second.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

Tyler aches at the question, at the hurt in Josh's voice. He wants to run again, but he can't leave his friend.

“It- it's all in the song,” Tyler says, swallowing. “Christ is it really that obvious?”

“That this is about me?” Josh says. “Yeah. You wrote it on my living room floor apparently.”

“Oh- right.” Tyler sits back in his chair. “Sorry it's not... happier...”

“That's okay,” Josh says. “It's still about me.” A pause, and then Josh is up, presumably to hand back the phone. “The instrumental we came up with- that's about me too,” Josh realizes. “I could just- feel it. Tell me I'm not crazy...”

Josh isn't crazy. He's right.

He's _so_ right- he sees all of Tyler without even trying.

This is the pay-off for making himself so vulnerable, Tyler thinks. He bears his soul and Josh validates it and then some.

“You're not,” Tyler says. “Neither of us are.”

“Yeah,” Josh says, and knee walks a little closer. He's close enough to hand back the phone but he hasn't yet, and Tyler sits up, anticipating. “We're just too scared to communicate properly.”

“I think maybe we're good now,” Tyler says, and means it. Things aren't perfect but he can already feel the pressure on his chest lifting. Maybe he didn't say everything to Josh explicitly, but at least he implied it. “Scared of what?” Tyler wonders out loud. Josh sets his phone on the ground.

And suddenly he knows.

There's not much of gap for Josh to close, but he does most of the work by leaning down. Tyler knows what's coming, and the thought overpowers his mind for a split second before there's a pair of hands cupping his jaw on either side. Tyler grabs for Josh's shirt and they pull at each other, lips crashing together like waves, and cresting in the middle. They slot perfectly into place in the next second, ignoring that they may have bruised themselves in their eagerness. Their nerves are already awash with sensation, eyes fluttering shut naturally as it takes them both over. Josh's thumbs trace Tyler's cheeks and make him feel too-light. He pulls at Josh's shirt harder, and eventually flings a hand around to claw painlessly at his back.

Josh smells like his body wash, because of course he does. He still tastes like toothpaste, and Tyler's mind goes even more blank because he can _taste Josh_. He whimpers into the kiss without meaning to, but Josh doesn't seem to mind. In fact, Josh just smiles against him, tries his best to kiss through it. He shifts too, getting one hand on the small of Tyler's back, holding him close as he leans forward.

“Lay down,” Josh says, and it's something that's neither an order nor a suggestion. It's just what he should do, so he does. Tyler opens his eyes to Josh watching him again, and barely blinking as he lays on his back on the bean bag chair. Josh goes with him, bracing with his other arm and lowering in time with Tyler.

His knees swing over Tyler's to close him in. Tyler has half a moment to breathe before Josh is on him again. Their mouths are a little more open this time, moving in tandem. Tyler hears the familiar sound of kissing- _him and Josh kissing_ \- paired with the dull thud of his own heartbeat. It's so good, it's beyond anything he's experienced, because it's _Josh_. He's already so close and safe and familiar- and now Tyler can feel all of that amplified, manifested in physical form, making every nerve in his body light up with signals of happiness and pleasure. Josh cards a hand through his hair and Tyler's eyes practically roll back in his head. It makes him float for a moment, he lets on hand drift to Josh's chest, where his tank top is loose and the skin underneath is warm. Tyler feels Josh's heartbeat on his fingertips, quick and firm and real-

And promptly freaks out.

He pushes at Josh's shoulders with a strangled noise, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to make Josh leap away, throwing himself off Tyler and raising his hands.

The anxiety descends on him with full force, making him shake, choking off his words, He can't believe- _he can't do this_ \- there's so much he didn't think about- about their careers and their friendship, and the people who might see them if they do so much as _stand_ on the balcony, and the whole world moving without him, turning and turning while he's been stuck falling for his best friend and not even cluing in. And Jenna, on the other side of the country, not deserving any of this, please, _not her_ -

“I'm off, I'm off,” Josh breathes, and oh god, his lips are so pink and wet, his face flush. He's trembling like he does when he's nervous. “What's wrong?”

“I just made out with you,” Tyler says, as if it weren't obvious. “We just made out.”

“Yes,” Josh says carefully. He looks like he wants to reassure Tyler- the both of them- but Tyler's already grabbing his phone off the ground and pressing Jenna's name.

“Hey,” comes her sunny voice. “How's it going babe?”

“I just made out with Josh,” Tyler blurts. He doesn't wait to see if she's silent on the other end or not. “Josh and I just made out. With each other. We just- we-”

“Okay Tyler, I get it,” she says, and the lack of anger in her tone lessens the shaking in his hands. “First of all, breathe. Second of all, when?”

“Just now,” Tyler says quickly. He tries not to meet Josh's gaze. He knows he'll be heartbroken by what he sees. “I stopped after a second... a few seconds...”

“Oh _Tyler,_ ” she says, and he hangs on every word. Of course she's talking him through the anxiety he's caused himself _by cheating on her._ She seems so calm, so patient, and he knows now more than ever that he doesn't deserve her. “Where's Josh now?”

“Right here,” Tyler says. “In front of me.

“Okay baby, let me talk to him for a second.”

“What-?” He questions her even as he obeys, handing the phone over to a very distraught, very confused Josh. He hears her voice from where he sits, though he can't make out the words. The tone remains calm.

“I'm- I mean I could be better,” Josh says. “Look Jenna I'm so sorry, _I_ kissed _him_ -” the distorted squabble cuts him off and he goes still. “Just like that?” _Squabblesquabblesquabble_. “Yeah you're right. Geez Jenna, I can't believe.... Yeah... okay. Thanks. Oh- uh- um- love you too...?”

Tyler's anxiety gives way to confusion as Josh hands him the phone back. This is not a reaction he could have predicted, and he not sure how to prepare himself for Josh _smiling_ at him.

“What the heck did you _say_ to him?”

“Same thing I'm about to say to you,” Jenna tells him. “Tyler look I'm not mad. I know what I was getting into when I married you- and I know Josh almost as well as you do. He's one of my friends too.”

“I- _what?_ ”

Is this what Tyler thinks it is? Is this really happening?

“I've been touring with you two for _years,_ ” Jenna says. “And I have eyes. You tour nonstop, you spend all of your energy, and then when you get home you have enough time to see your family and then it's back out again. There's never any time to acknowledge how much you need each other, but from what I see, it's a whole lot. And I suspected that when the tour ended, things were gonna get- um. How do I say this? Awkward or serious- or both. It's like- like if you're running, and you just keep moving, you're going to build up all this momentum – but then if you stop suddenly, all that momentum throws you for a loop.”

Her words are so true that they ache inside him. Days of questioning and wondering have suddenly been summed up in a single metaphor. Why does she always do this to him?

“You're- you're right,” Tyler says. “But like- I still cheated on you.”

“You can see it that way if you want,” Jenna says. “But if we're talking about the emotional connection and commitment you already have with Josh- not just physical- then you've _been_ cheating on me.”

Ouch.

Tyler looks at Josh and sees so much of what she's said: sharing beds and clothes and food, marking each other with permanent ink, building a life from the ground up, choosing each other over everyone else, over and over and over-

“You're right but you don't have to put it _that_ way...”

“I know. I'm just saying Tyler, I know who I married. I knew this was going to happen. Josh was here first after all. I'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner. What matters now is that we're willing to make it all work. I'm willing; Josh is willing. But in the end it's up to you.”

Tyler's speechless.

Completely and utterly.

He's not even sure he can believe what he's hearing, that all the pieces could just fall neatly into place like that. That his pure-of-heart, church volunteer wife who waited til marriage to even _share a bed with him_ is somehow okay with him and Josh being... _something_? He knows he shouldn't generalize, but he just can't wrap his mind around her acceptance, and he's itching to find a reason why things won't work out after all.

“I don't even know what to say,” Tyler finally gets out. “I wasn't expecting this at all.” He looks at Josh, who's calmer now, watching him. “I don't even know how to handle this?”

“Well you can start by talking to Josh,” Jenna quips. “Lay some ground rules.”

“What about you? What are your ground rules?”

“Pretty easy,” Jenna says. “Just come back to me.”

“Vague,” Tyler teases, in spite of it all.

“Well we'll make the rest up as we go,” Jenna tells him. “You and I can't talk more when you get home. It's you and Josh that need to work things out now- _however_ you plan on doing that...” The raise in her tone is not lost on Tyler.

“Are you seriously giving me permission to... do stuff with Josh?”

“Not explicitly,” Jenna says, a shrug in her voice. “But I can if that's what you need?”

“It would uh... it might help?”

“Tyler Robert Joseph-” Tyler cringes at the use of his full name- “I hereby give you permission to 'do stuff' with Josh. Kiss him, hug him, suck his dick- I really don't care-” Tyler nearly drops the damn phone-

“Jenna-!”

-”just as long as you come home to me at the end of your trip. Love you baby!”

“I-what- ah- I love you too, but-” the beep of an ended call cuts him off mid-protest. He pulls the phone away from his ear and stares down at the screen for a second, appalled before looking back up at Josh.

 

“Are you okay?” Josh asks. The top of his head is in the sunlight, making the faded yellow of his hair a vibrant gold. Tyler can see dust particles sparkling in the sunbeams above them.

“I honestly don't know,” Tyler says. “Not to be over-dramatic, but like- my life just changed. And I can't believe I just... got away with that.”

“You didn't get away with it,” Josh says, a soft smile playing on his lips. He sits on the ground in front of Tyler, close. “She wants you to be who you are- and to not feel guilty about it.”

“Yeah but I'm not a cheater,” Tyler says, because he's stuck on it. Just because everything's some how turned out okay doesn't mean he didn't make out with Josh before even talking to his wife about it.

“I know,” Josh tells him. “You'd never cheat on me _or_ Jenna.”

Tyler's mind stumbles on those words, and his heart continues to race. He wonders how Josh can just _say_ that, and all the things it's implying.

“Is that... is that what this is now?”

“What?”

“You know....” he can't make his heart slow. Every second of this is nerve-wracking, thrilling, _important_.

“You can say it, Tyler,” Josh says softly, and no, Tyler really can't. Not yet, not until he's put some time in between himself and what's just happened.

He's not pushing away- he needs Josh to know that- but he can't just jump right in like this. God, that kiss was so impulsive- but then... it wasn't. They'd been leading up to it for days, Tyler thinks. All that tension, all those broken conversations trying to rationalize their fears and wants and needs for each other. There's more to it than that- Tyler still hasn't clawed his way out of a depression, and Josh is still actively avoiding all of his friends, but at least this has solved _something_. Now he's just got to deal with everything after that point- Josh, his marriage, his fragile emotional sate...

Maybe ten seconds of kissing has unraveled more loose ends than it's tied up.

But at least everyone's willing to talk this time around- except him.

Jenna and Josh are waiting on him.

“Just give me some time,” Tyler says. “And maybe some space.”

Josh pointedly doesn't flinch at that, and doesn't argue. He's not the kind of person to push anyone, but Tyler can see the disappointment in his eyes. “It's not-” Tyler puts a hand on Josh's shoulder before he can move. Their first touch since the kiss. “That doesn't mean I don't want to... I just...”

“Can't do it all at once?” Josh supplies. Tyler exhales the breath he'd been holding.

“Yes, exactly.”

Josh nods, and gingerly brings a hand up to cover Tyler's.

“That's fine. I shouldn't have- I just went for it, and I'm sorry.”

Tyler snorts- maybe a little insensitive, but Josh can take it.

“We both did,” Tyler tells him. “And I liked it, so don't be sorry.”

“Okay,” Josh accepts. He moves to stand and Tyler naturally lets his hand slide off and back into his own lap. “I'm gonna go out and get us some lunch.”

 

He leaves Tyler to alone to process everything. He feels buried under the weight of his own mind, like an avalanche, and the only way to claw himself out is to make peace with all 20 of the emotions swarming through his head.

He knows there's one overarching task he needs to accomplish at the end of all this: figure out what he wants.

Jenna is waiting on him.

Josh is waiting on him.

 

And clearly they both want the same thing.

Why on earth wouldn't he want it too?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. A lot happened there, and I couldn't find a way to naturally end the chapter without creating an abrupt (and cruel) cliffhanger. Next chapters will go back to being about 3-4k. I've also gone and fixed a bunch of the typos from chapter 3- sorry about that!!!
> 
> I finally have internet in my new place, plus a cute new kitty who was very happy to be adopted. The kitty doesn't have anything to do with my ability to post or answer comments- I'm just really excited and need to tell everyone. Anyway I'm gonna answer all those comments now, sorry for the delay! Love you <3


	5. Baby Steps

Jenna is waiting on him.

Josh is waiting on him.

 

And clearly they both want the same thing.

Why on earth wouldn't he want it too?

 

His insecurities are quick to answer that, efficient as ever.

Never let it be said that blurryface was never real. Just because a caricature had been made of his fears, just because they became more successful than ever, just because he's able to work through those feelings every time he sings them; doesn't mean it's going to go away.

Tours end, depressions subside, but his insecurities will evolve as he does. Blurryface won't always be called blurryface, but he'll still haunt Tyler forever.

But- it's not all bad.

Tyler sees his guilt for what it is- a product of his sense of loyalty, his morals, so stubborn that he can't accept Jenna's forgiveness no matter how hard she hammers it in. He needs to be a good husband, and he feels like he's failed.

But they can work on that.

He sees his hesitance to be with Josh for what it is- the value of their friendship, so heavy on him that he's held himself back from temptation, never even entertained those fleeting thoughts, refused to do anything that might scare Josh away or tear them apart.

But Josh wants it too. Josh wants to get closer, not further away.

He feels undeserving of the both of them, and he knows why. He's had this stupid complex his whole life, thinking he has to sweat and bleed and _suffer_ for every good thing he has, like some sort of biblical figure. And to an extent it's paid off, made him endure so much- both inside his head and out- to get to where he is now.

He's achieved so much thanks to his drive- but now it's reached the point where it doesn't feel right to have blessings just _handed_ to him. He knows that's not right, that these things do happen.

He'll do his best to accept it.

 

He's made his decision an hour later when Josh gets back, but Josh has chocolate chip waffles and a plethora of toppings, and Tyler can't think of the right time to bring it up.

That doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy it. Josh makes a smiley face with two strawberries for eyes and a whipped cream smile and hands it to Tyler. The face is vaguely creepy but in a way that makes Tyler double over laughing, nearly having a coughing fit, and he feels a weight lifting off of him.

He tries to make a “Josh” with a cherry nose and blueberry smile. Josh didn't get bananas of course, so there's nothing yellow for the hair, but the peaches are close. He gifts his masterpiece to Josh and feels his heart lift again. The realization hits Tyler that this is somehow one of the most romantic things anyone's every done for him, and he's really not sure why. Josh does stuff like this all the time- in fact Josh has done more than this...

Oh.

“Oh,” Tyler says, setting his fork down.

“Wha?” Josh says, through a mouthful.

“Um- I just- this is really nice? Like this was really cool of you to do?”

“Oh!” Josh nods and swallows. “Yeah well I figured it's harder to freak out when you're eating waffles- not that I thought you _would_ but-”

“No I totally would,” Tyler laughs. “And did. But I'm okay now.” He smiles, and Josh smiles back. The sunlight is beaming through the sliding door and Tyler can still taste maple syrup, and it's making everything feel lighter, safer. “It doesn't have to be so heavy,” Tyler says, and is surprised at how fast he's clawed himself out of that proverbial snowdrift. “It can be just like this.”

Josh is quiet for a moment, and his smile fades- but not out of sadness.

“Yeah, it can- it is.” Josh fiddles with the fork in his hand. “Tyler, it's been like this- and it's only going to get better- if you want that I mean.”

“I do,” Tyler says automatically. He's still high on sugar so he laughs. “How will it get better? Sell me on it?”

Josh smirks now, and oh boy if Tyler didn't just screw himself over in the best way possible. Josh slides out of his chair and walks around to Tyler's side of the counter.

“It'll be pretty much the same,” Josh shrugs, and Tyler doesn't miss him grabbing the whipped cream can stealthily. “Except that when I do this-” Tyler isn't fast enough- curse Josh's drummer reflexes- and gets a smudge of whipped cream on his cheek. He gives Josh an empty glare, but can't pretend he isn't acutely aware of how close Josh is getting. “I can just...” Josh leans down, face inches from Tyler's. His teeth come out to bite his own bottom lip, before his tongue swipes them away, and wow, Tyler's so screwed, he's done for. He wants a kiss so bad he's nearly forgotten where he is or why he was so anxious before. A hand comes up and wipes the whipped cream slowly off his cheek-

and then Josh stands up straight, walks back to his chair, and sits. Tyler glares at him again, but Josh just shrugs and pops his index finger into his mouth and sucks the cream off of it, and Tyler _hates_ him.

“I thought for sure you were going to spray it everywhere,” Tyler says, hoping to sound less flustered than he is.

“I thought about it, but you'd kill me,” Josh laughs. “Plus I'm getting cheesy enough as it is.”

“It's fine,” Tyler blurts. “It- was a good bit.”

They share a smile, and it hits Tyler again that this is it- they're really doing this. Him and Josh. It's... a lot.

They finish their food over idle chatter, and Josh freezes the left-overs. It's only then, after they've both calmed down- and are presumably on sugar crashes- that Tyler decides to have the Talk. For real.

 

He sits Josh on the couch while he paces. Josh give him all the time he needs to sum up the words.

“You're okay with whatever I decide, right?” Tyler asks. He knows the answer but he needs to hear Josh say it. “You have no expectations?”

Josh shrugs.

“How can I? If you don't want me then I have no interest in pushing you. We'll just go back to how we were. You're free to choose that Tyler,” Josh adds. “If it doesn't feel right.”

“And if it does feel right? If I do want you?”

Josh hides a smile, breath catching in his chest.

“That'd be great,” Josh says. “I mean- if-”

“I want you,” Tyler blurts. And oh boy, here he goes. Now that the line is crossed, he might as well barrel over it. “And Jenna. I want both of you- if you'll let me- which- it seems like you will. Which is honestly crazy-” he runs a shaky hand through his hair at the words. “Like I honestly can't believe it. And- I don't know anyone who's done anything like this- so I need you be patient with me. I don't know the rules, or like whatever I'm supposed to do. Like- I'll need space- a lot sometimes. I'll need it. And uh- I'm gonna get sad and you won't be able to fix it right away. It can make me kinda mean sometimes...”

“You're talking like I don't already know you,” Josh says quietly. The words are soft, but they shake Tyler down. Of course Josh knows these things. Of course Josh treats him like a lover already, because-

“And I want you to love me. Eventually- and tell me you do- when you mean it-”

“I love you,” Josh says automatically, and Tyler wants to surrender to lat and let it creep in and change everything- but he's got a point to make still.

“Josh- I mean that. Don't just say it. You gotta make it count. Also I'm gonna need a lot of reassurance- like I'm still convinced Jenna's gonna leave one day- or you-”

Josh is up, stepping around the coffee table and gripping Tyler's shoulders, holding him still. It should annoy Tyler, but instead it's strangely comforting, as if Josh is keeping him from floating away.

“I mean it Tyler. I love you. I'm _in_ love with you. Jenna's not gonna leave, and now that I have you, I'm _definitely_ not. I promise.”

His face is close, and so sincere and kind, and _serious_. Tyler's always been amazed by how Josh can just bare parts of his soul so easily- and now is no exception. Josh's admission makes him weak, makes his voice drop in volume, makes him feel like his skin is transparent, like somehow Josh can see all of his soul as much as he can see Josh's.

“You- you're not supposed to say stuff like that,” Tyler says, trying to make a joke. “Cause then when you do leave...”

“I love you and I'm not leaving you,Tyler.” Josh says, more firmly. “I don't _care_ what I'm not supposed to say- screw all those dumb little rules people say you have to follow- everyone treats it like some kind of _game,_ but it's not! Not for me... not for _us_.”

His words are biting in their intensity, hitting Tyler so fully that he needs to process them in waves. Josh holds Tyler's gaze, stands behind his words. He takes in a breath that catches, the only give-away to how nervous and vulnerable Josh probably feels right now. That one hitch is a sign of the strength of his resolve to be true to himself, Tyler thinks, even when it scares him. Because that's what Josh does- push through his fears- and that subtle, unnoticed strength is something that Tyler has always loved about him.

Because this is _still Josh-_ and Tyler realizes, _this is real_.

Tyler's heart beats once, twice, and then he's going for it. He shoves his lips against Josh's with no warning but Josh eagerly accepts, pulling Tyler close, catching him in kiss that feels like the world is switching poles. The magnets inside Tyler hum with Josh's frequency, and he presses closer, chest to chest. Heart to heart. Everything he wants is suddenly right there in his arms, _everything._

Josh is a solid mass against him, barely shorter, barely wider, but taking up Tyler's understanding of the world. There's nothing else in the world- just Josh, _Josh_ , who he loves, and who loves him too.

But then, there's Jenna as well, a point of light halfway across the country, sitting somewhere in their house, smiling, loving Tyler as well.

And somehow, the thought of her brings more love into his heart, adds to what he feels with Josh, as if by kissing Josh he's somehow kissing her as well-

And none of this feels wrong.

 

He deepens the kiss with Josh, pressing forward, opening his mouth, and Josh matches his enthusiasm. He tucks a hand around the small of Tyler's back, and threads fingers through Tyler's hair that still smell like syrup, still stained red at the tips. Tyler grabs at Josh's t-shirt, fists closing of their own accord. He feels like a cat that curls its paws as it purrs, and he thinks fleetingly of how kissing Josh is entirely different than kissing Jenna. He thinks of his hands cupping Jenna's cheeks, rubbing her hips, cupping her ass. With Josh he finds his hands squeezing the fabric on his back, his shoulder blades, and then around to his abdomen. His fingertips run over Josh's stomach, up towards his pecks, and he doesn't mean to but he gasps into Josh's mouth. The body he's seen a million times, shirt on, shirt off, skinny and muscular- it's a completely different sensation to touch it this way. He's not even skin to skin yet; just the shape of Josh's dips and curves under the fabric, the fact that he knows it's _Josh,_ is killing him.

He didn't know he had it in him to feel this for Josh; emotional yes, romantic yes- but physical? How could he have not known?

He wants all of it. He doesn't care if he gets overwhelmed.

 

But Josh lets up- softly, easing Tyler out of the kiss and back into the reality of the living room. Tyler releases him, and takes a long moment to breathe.

 

It's 2 in the afternoon, on a Saturday. Tyler hears a car horn on the street below. The world is still turning outside Josh's apartment, but he doesn't care.

“You wanna keep going?” Josh asks, his voice gentle, The tone feels _intimate_ , like it's meant for a lover, and Tyler nearly goes limp. Maybe once he's more used to having Josh in this sense, he'll have a little more strength in his spine- but, as with Jenna, the first few milestones tend to make him melt in his lovers hands.

“Yeah,” Tyler breathes. “But maybe...”

“Couch?” Josh supplies.

“Yeah.”

 

They start again once they're settled, sitting side by side and leaning together. It's slower than Tyler thought it would be, what with all the shirt-grabbing, but maybe things are calmer now that the initial tension has finally been released. Now that everything's out in the open, they have nothing but time.

They kiss for what feels like hours, lazily moving together with flashes of tongues and teeth- but other wise wholesome and slow. They don't progress any further than rubbing each others backs, holding hips. Tyler feels like he's somewhere else.

As long as they're kissing, and his eyes are closed, he's in that place- a world of pure sensation, nothing but him and Josh and warmth. He doesn't want to stop.

 

Josh's phone vibrates around 4, completely forgotten on the coffee table. They take their time pulling apart, and share a smile when their eyes finally open in the blinding light of an LA afternoon.

“I feel like we just knocked out six years worth of kissing,” Tyler breathes. Josh chuckles, and leans over to get his phone.

“Gonna disagree with you there,” he tells Tyler. “We've got a lot to make up for.”

“I guess,” Tyler agrees, absolutely not getting flustered by Josh's implication of _much more kissing_. “But it was still good on it's own- being friends I mean.”

“We're still friends,” Josh says automatically. “We're just other things too.”

He looks at the text he's just received, and sighs.

“There's a thing tonight. I'm wondering if I should go.”

“Well I mean do you want to? As great as this is, we probably shouldn't stay inside the whole trip.”

Josh nods at Tyler's words, smiling.

“It wouldn't be so bad if I had someone there with me,” he starts. “You could be my date- whether we tell people or not.”

“We are absolutely not telling people,” Tyler says, too quickly. He's barely thought about telling anyone they know, let alone the public. The idea is daunting, and hopefully avoidable. They'll have to discuss that later though, when things are stable. “Baby steps man.”

Josh laughs softly.

“Okay, you're right. So no go?”

“Nah- but you can. And you should.”

Josh's smile fades a little.

“Maybe, but I hate that- I don't want to keep leaving you here...”

“It's fine man- I can stay here, maybe write another song about you...”

He means it as a joke but the implications set in between them, and neither of them laugh. Josh leans forward again, catching Tyler's lips and cupping his face. His thumb swipes across Tyler's cheek gently, reverent, and his kiss is intense. He doesn't move much, just presses his lips against Tyler's firmly, trying to convey a message. Tyler gets it.

He presses back, eyes scrunched shut, wishing Josh could read his mind- a mind which is willing to write ten more songs about Josh if this is what he gets for it. Josh lingers for a little longer, breathing steadily through his nose, letting it puff out over Tyler's face. Then he pulls back, and relaxes back in his seat. Tyler opens his eyes to see a soft, touched smile, and a pinkish tinge to Josh's cheeks.

“Yeah, that's how I feel about _that,_ ” Josh jokes. “If you were wondering.”

 

Josh decides to show up for a few hours, and he warns Tyler that he might not come back sober.

This is completely fine for Tyler, who's happy that Josh is going to come back at all. He'll use his alone time to recharge, and Josh will use his social time to do the same thing. It's really a win-win for them.

Josh showers and shaves (dammit), and throws on his trademark ripped black jeans and a white shirt. He gives Tyler a a long, slow kiss by the doorway, and leaves with a smile.

Tyler goes back into the living and flops onto the couch, and wonders how on earth he got so lucky.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being scarce this week, I was back at work and trying to find my rhythm again. I will now go respond to all the comments on the previous chapter about a week late. I appreciate all the support so much, you have no idea <3<3<3


	6. Stumbling Block

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE: There is some implied drug use in this chapter. I've changed the tags accordingly.

 

Tyler's content. He's not in the mood to write just yet (sad songs come much easier), but he's set up the piano nonetheless. He sits in the living room and messes with the keys, playing little fragments of songs- some of his own, some by others. His phone sits on the book stand, ready to record a tune if need be, but he doesn't push it.

 

The phone rings after a while. It's Jenna. The patter of notes slows to a stop. He tries not to dwell on anything but how happy he is that she's calling.

“Hi baby,” she says, cheerful and gentle. “How's it going?”

“Um. Good. You?”

She ignores the question.

“Did you talk to Josh?”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

Tyler hesitates for the first time. He's about to tell his wife that he's decided to date his best friend. This territory is so unfamiliar to him, he's not even sure where to start.

“Um well we kissed more...”

Jenna laughs, and it make Tyler's relax a little.

“So you guys a have a thing now,” she says, and Tyler hears the smile.

“Yeah, um I guess. We both want it- and you're okay with it, so...”

“So?” So what? What else is there to tell?

“Um- so that's it? We're a thing.”

“Yeah but- what kind of thing? Did you talk about that? Is he like a side guy to you? Are you friends with benefits? Are you boyfriends? Are you in love?”

Tyler flinches at pretty much all of those phrases.

“I- we didn't label- he's _Josh._ I didn't think we _had_ to call it anything?”

“You don't have to,” Jenna says. “But you should, so that we're all on the same page. I know it's Josh, and it seems stupid to talk about this with someone so close, but you really should Tyler. Just so you never get confused.”

Tyler nods, though she doesn't see it. She's right of course, though Tyler's still of the opinion that their one talk was enough. That said, he does wonder what Josh's thinks of all this. What does _Josh_ think they are?

“Tyler?” Jenna asks, as he goes quiet. “What did you and Josh talk about then?”

“Just that we wanted to do this,” Tyler answers, bearing himself with honesty. “He said he loves me and he's never leaving me.”

“Of course he does. You already knew that.”

“Yeah but- this time it's _more_ ,” Tyler says.

“Yeah, I get that,” Jenna concedes. “That's so cute Tyler, geez.”

“So- so what would that make us?” Tyler asks.

“Eh,” Jenna shrugs with her voice. “What do you _want_ to be with Josh?”

“I don't know like- I just _want_ him?” Tyler says. He hasn't had a chance to think this hard about it. It occurs to him that while Jenna has a good point, he and Josh seem to be past this. Maybe the labels aren't for his sake, but Jenna's. Out of the three of them, maybe she's the one that really needs to be sure about this. “Boyfriends I guess? Sounds weird but...”

“Boyfriends is good,” Jenna agrees. “Let me know what he says.”

“Okay,” Tyler promises. He can do that for her. He _wants_ to do that for her.

They continue to chat about other things, and time flies as it always does between them. Tyler starts to get hungry, and by the time 9 pm hits his stomach is whining for the dinner he's neglected to have. He's feeling particularly confident at the moment, so he decides to actually go out and get some food. Alone.

 

According to his phone, there's an Asian fusion place nearby with decent reviews. He dons his baseball cap, a bright blue shirt, and a pair of tight-ish capris. The suns just setting when he steps out, and Josh's part of town is quiet and calm. The restaurant is on a main road, however, which is a bit busier than he'd like. He makes it all the way to his destination without anyone stopping him (a few second glances though) and sits down to wait for his order to be ready.

A young girl cautiously approaches his table. She's probably about 14, her hair a mix of brown and pink, and she's happens to be wearing a t-shirt with the red and blue logo. This is okay with him. Fans are safe. He trusts them.

Tyler spots her parents a few tables away, looking confused. He nods and waves at them, and turns to the girl.

“Hi,” she says. Adorable.

“Hello,” Tyler says back. “How are you?”

“Um, good,” she stammers. “I- I hope I'm not bothering you,” she says.

“Nah, I'm just waiting for some food. Don't mind the company.”

“That's good,” she says. “I'm Ally and I um really like you- your band I mean- but also you- in a not-weird way... but like you really inspired me to just like- keep going...”

Tyler puts on his 'gracious smile.' Just because he's practiced these types of interactions doesn't mean he means his words any less.

“Thank you,” he tells her. “Thanks for using the music.”

“It's not just the music,” she blurts. “It's-”

Ally's parents are understandably getting impatient, and call her back over to the table.

“Just let us get a picture,” Tyler intervenes, to which Ally makes an involuntary noise that catches the attention of the other patrons. She pulls out her phone and holds it at arm's length. Tyler smiles softly, fitting an arm around her shoulders, and giving a soft squeeze. Once the camera clicks, he releases her and offers another smile. She's very clearly trying to hold herself together, and it makes Tyler's heart sting that little bit that it always does when he meets fans like this. “I'll see you at a show sometime,” he tries to reassure her, and she nods.

“Okay,” she accepts. “When?”

Tyler's smile falters, and Ally immediately back tracks.

“Shit- I mean- crap- I'm sorry- I didn't mean-” Ally's dad gets up and walks over, and she panics, realizing that she's out of time.

“It's okay, you're okay,” Tyler says. “Just um- I don't know. But soon- I- I promise you that. _Soon_.”

Ally's parents take her through the restaurant and toward the door and Tyler watches them go. He loses focus for a moment as his gaze follows, sees them cross the threshold and get immediately stopped by someone with a camera.

“Was that Taylor Joseph?” he hears, as the door swings shut. Ally vehemently shakes her head and Tyler's smile is back. He's so grateful that people have his back like that. He doesn't deserve it.

Of course he knows that he's still going to get stopped now, as the guy hasn't left yet, but it still helps to know that people still care about what matters. Someone brings the bag of food to his table and he pays with his card.

 

He sighs as he makes his way to the door, bracing himself for what's coming. Once he gets onto the sidewalk, there's several flashes in his face, and a video camera recording.

“Hi Taylor,” the guy says, and Tyler knows he could behave two ways: the way he wants to, and the way Josh would. The guy with the camera doesn't deserve his patience, but he gives it anyway.

“What's up man, it's actually Tyler.”

“Oh- man well we're off to a great start,” the guy jokes. “Sorry Tyler.”

And that- isn't what he was expecting. His hackles lower a bit, but not all the way.

“It's fine man, I'm not that famous anyway.”

“Pfft, obviously you don't go on the internet much,” the guy laughs, and Tyler rolls his eyes. Tyler's on the internet more than is probably healthy... but he doesn't say that. “Just picking up some food?”

“Yeah, you know,” Tyler allows.

“Cool man, you and Josh having a bro's night?” the guy asks, nonchalantly.

“Kinda,” Tyler says, because it isn't a yes or a no.

“Nice,” the guy says. “So what are you doing in LA? Working on the new album? Getting away from the wife?”

“Just visiting,” Tyler says tensely. “Got friends here- she's home watching the house.”

“Friends like Josh?”

“We're in a band together, so yeah.”

“Well Josh has been spotted at a very big party tonight, seems odd that you're not there- since you came all this way to visit him.” Tyler immediately realizes that this guy kneew where Josh was all along, and had been trying to lead him into a lie. The hackles go back up.

“Not odd if you know me,” Tyler says, meaning to sound challenging. “I'm not a party guy- anyway the food's getting cold.”

“Sure man- let me just ask if there's any truth to the rumor that Josh is dating model Maria Herandes?”

“I- don't even know who that is?” Tyler blurts and he doesn't mean for it to sound the way it does.

“Huh,” the man says thoughtfully. “But he tells you everything, doesn't he?”

Tyler starts walking. He has too. He can't let this guys get the better of him, can't let his invasive questions get under his skin. “That's an odd reaction Tyler, I was just asking-”

“Look I gotta go,” Tyler says, and his heart skips when he realizes the guy is following him. “Can you leave me alone please?”

“Where are you heading now?”

Tyler pauses for too long.

“My hotel room. Bye.”

He keeps walking and holds his breath when the sound of footsteps finally stop.

“There aren't any hotels that way,” the guy shouts back, but Tyler is gone, rounding a corner to break the line of sight and briskly going for the side entrance of Josh's building, (away from street view). He swipes Josh's spare card and shuts the door quickly behind him. The walk up to the third floor is shaky, but he makes it, and locks Josh's apartment door behind him.

 

Tyler's not sure if the food is good or not- he barely tastes it through his nerves. He's over the encounter itself, but what he fears are the repercussions of what he's said. He didn't handle himself well at all, despite being used to invasive journalists and rude photographers. He's been used to it since they started going to award shows, or any other events where it's not about them or their fans- but about publicity, and who can get the most attention.

It's like that guy brought the award show straight to Tyler, and Tyler was no where near ready for it.

He wonders what the fans are going to say, and if he should post anything online to clear things up. It almost sounded like he and Josh weren't as close anymore- which couldn't be further from the truth.

He really doesn't know who Maria Hernandes is- if Josh had anything with her, he'd tell Tyler, right? He'd at least be asking for advice or venting to Tyler about how nervous he is or how much he likes her.

It's definitely just a rumour. Probably.

Tyler's 99% sure. It's the 1% that's bothering him.

Plus, he and Josh haven't really talked about- well- anyone else. Is Josh planning on being exclusive to him- or does he have a more open relationship in mind? Tyler knows which of the two he'd prefer- but he also knows has to leave the choice to Josh. He's married to Jenna, after all- it would make him a hypocrite to expect any sort of monogamy, right?

And again, what are they going to tell the fans? Nothing, he hopes. He's not even sure how to explain it. They probably already know anyway.

Tyler's mind drifts to the various fn accounts he follows, and the images they share. Him and Josh; pressed against each other during interviews, sharing clothes and food and friends, laughing as Jenna posts candid pics of them on her Instagram- they know. Countless stories with “joshler” in the tags, tumblr posts with the two of them, seeing screen shots of his and Josh's twitter conversations everywhere- they've _known_ \- they've known longer than Tyler has.

He feels some of his anxiety dissipate at the thought, reassured that once again, he doesn't have to hide from his fans. They understand. They accept him.

It's everyone else he's afraid of.

 

Tyler's phone buzzes, and he glances down to see Josh's name. He's not sure what to think about this- it's around 11 now. If Josh wanted to talk, he could have just texted.

“Hey,” he says carefully. “What's up?”

“Tyler?” A voice that is definitely not Josh's comes through the line, and Tyler freezes. The panic in his chest is cold and solid, like ice, and he forces himself to breathe.

“Who is this?” he demands.

“It's Dustin- um- look man I'm going to drive Josh home now.”

There's relief, but only some. He knows Dustin- but what's going on with Josh?

“His car is here, but uh- he shouldn't be driving. He's throwing up in the bathroom right now.”

Well... that wasn't so bad.

“He's also crying.”

Oh. Crap.

“He uh- he's kinda high.”

“On what?”

“Just weed,” Dustin says quickly. “But like- strong stuff. Stronger than he's used to, probably.”

Tyler hesitates on what to say, next, but he figures he might as well ask now.

“How often does Josh smoke?”

“He doesn't tell you this stuff?” Dustin replies, taken aback.

“I don't want to know, usually,” Tyler says. “But now I do.”

“Fair enough,” Dustin concedes. “Not often honestly, one or two puffs at a party, but usually he just drinks. And cigarettes sometimes, when he's nervous.”

“That's... pretty much what I figured,” Tyler admits. “Why's he crying?”

Dustin's silent for a moment.

“He uh... wouldn't say. I'm sure he'll open up once you guys are alone...”

“Okay... thanks man.”

“Yeah no problem,”Dustin says. “See you soon Tyler.”

 

Tyler meets Dustin at the bottom of the stairs. Josh is hanging off him, barely lucid, his hair a mess. Tyler takes one side of Josh and Dustin the other, and they climb the stairs in silence.

When they get to the apartment, Tyler opens the door and they get Josh to the couch and let him flop down on it. Josh's eyes flutter open.

“Tyler,” he says, and grabs the hem of Tyler's shirt. “I love you so much Tyler, c'mere-” Tyler sits on the couch beside him. Josh's hands paw at him clumsily. “I wanna kiss more,” he says, and Tyler freezes. Shit.

But Dustin just rolls his eyes. “I'm always right. He owes me an apology.”

Tyler stares at Dustin for a moment, looking for any hint of protest, and doesn't find it. He's okay with this. Tyler figures he keeps enough of Josh's secrets already- what's one more?

“I'll remind him tomorrow. Um- man this probably goes without saying but-”

“Yeah yeah, I won't tell anyone,” Dustin says. Tyler half expects him to leave, but he sits on the other chair for a moment, eyes on Josh. Tyler glances down to see him passed out again.

“Look Tyler, I know he's been off lately, and I don't think it's just because of you. He needs balance. And he keeps trying to find it but he can't. It was too crowded with me here-” he gestures to the whole of the apartment- “and too lonely with me gone. He either avoids me and all his friends, or he comes out and messes up like he did tonight. I mean _christ_ he knows better than to accept a joint without asking what was in it. It's like he _wanted_ to get fucked up.”

“I thought he was happy,” Tyler mutters, and he's not sure why he's telling Dustin this, but screw it, he needs to. “We'd just figured everything out.”

Dustin offers a sympathetic shrug.

“I don't know what to tell you man. He's been tense since the last time he came back- obviously there's still some stuff going on, outside of you and him- and the band.”

“Yeah- I'm aware.” Tyler sighs, looking down at his sleeping friend (boyfriend?). “I'll talk to him.”

“Just tell him to take it easy,” Dustin says. “You know, he told me he didn't want to get drunk every time he went out, fine, but then _he's_ the one going too hard. Me and the guys- we're not bad people Tyler. We're not trying to hurt him, or get him so fucked up he passes out or something. I hope you don't think that.”

“I don't,” Tyler says, leaving out that he kinda _did_ think that for a while. “You didn't have to drop him off. This is really nice of you.” Dustin gets up, headed for the door.

“Of course I had to. He's my friend.”

Tyler's not sure how to respond, so he just nods. Dustin steps out and locks the door behind him with the key he still has.

“He's the best,” Josh slurs, eyes opening again. “I'm the worst. I can't even think...”

He shifts limply, rearranging soggy limbs. Tyler's still sitting on the couch beside him, pressed against Josh's side.

“Why'd you smoke a random joint?” he asks, trying to be soft about it. Josh scrunches his eyes closed, shakes his head, ashamed.

“I don't know man, I'm sorry. I just. I wanted to be somewhere else. It didn't really work- surprise.”

The hurt is plain across Josh's face, and Tyler aches to fix it.

“You didn't want to be at that party, or you didn't want to be in LA? Or be with me?”

Josh's eyes opened again, and he grabs at Tyler, catching his hand and holding it.

“Nono- it has _nothing_ to do with you- you make it _better_... but you weren't there.”

“What's 'it'?”

Josh's thinks hard about that, brows furrowing as he tries to find the words. Not that Tyler is happy about Josh being like this, but maybe it'll help him open up about emotions he can't describe when he's sober.

“I don't know,” Josh says. “All my friends were there, it doesn't make sense.”

“Do you still want to be friends with them?” Tyler tries. Josh snorts.

“Of course- I can't just _not_ be their friends...”

“Yes you can,” Tyler says, and Josh's smile faded. “You can let people go you know.- if they aren't good for you.”

“But- we're _friends_ ,” Josh protests. Tyler's not sure he's getting the concept.

“Okay, but are they good for you? Or do they make you feel pressured?”

“They don't _mean_ to do anything,” Josh says, but then his eyes go wide with realization. “But uh... maybe I tend to... try to match their pace,,, sometimes.”

“They influence you- you've talked about this before,” Tyler says carefully.

“Yeah but they don't mean to,” Josh says again. “It's all me. I just- I don't know what to do at those things if I'm not drinking or whatever. I don't know how you do it man.”

“You need balance,” Tyler says, echoing Dustin. It really is the right word for what Josh is going through, much like Tyler's own issues with coming off the tour. This apartment, these parties- they used to be temporary for Josh. “You used to see these people once every six months,” Tyler continues. “Every time you see them, it's like you have to cram in as much much time together as you can before you leave again. But you aren't leaving this time- not anytime soon I mean.”

Josh sighs and sinks into the couch, his eyes falling shut.

“ _Fuck_ , Tyler.” He rubs a sweaty palm over his forehead. “That's- that's literally it. I hate it.” He shakes his head. “And they when I'm around them too much I start to get- well- not sick of them- but...”

“Tired,” Tyler supplies.

“Right- but probably because I associate them with... well, partying.”

“Makes sense,” Tyler says. While he'd proud to have gotten Josh to make a breakthrough, he's sure he hasn't touched on everything. Still, Josh seems to have lightened up, so Tyler can accept that.

“This was a great conversation,” Josh says, smiling with his eyes still closed. “I hope I remember it.”

It's Tyler turn to laugh softly, and get up from the couch.

“Come on buddy, you should go to bed before you pass out there.” He takes Josh's hand and tugs in gesture. Josh groans, but heaves himself up, grip tightening on Tyler's hand as he wavers. Their hands stay clasped as Tyler leads him into his room, over to the unmade bed. Tyler's about to tip him onto the mattress when Josh plants a foot, and brings his face right up to Tyler's, pressing their closed lips together in a smoke-scented kiss. Tyler's nose wrinkles, but he says nothing.

“Come with me,” Josh whispers, not drawing away. His arms are fully around Tyler, hanging on as much as they are holding.

“To bed?” Tyler asks, and suddenly there's an element of doubt thrown over him. Is Josh asking him to lay down or to have sex? Is that something Tyler's ready to do with Josh? Certainly not now that he's intoxicated- but in the near future? He's only now just starting to address the years of thoughts he's had about Josh's body as _physical attraction_ , only now thinking about sex with Josh as something that might actually happen- if they both want it too-

“To sleep,” Josh clarifies, a smirk lifting the corner of his mouth. “I just uh-” the smile fades as quickly as it came. “All that stuff I said doesn't apply to- I don't get tired of you,” he confesses. “I just... please don't leave.”

Tyler's heart caves at the request, and the rarity of it isn't lost on him. Josh doesn't do this; Josh is steadfast and composed, never seems to need anyone in his bed at night.

“Lay down,” Tyler says, and Josh does it because he knows he should. “I'll be right back.”

He takes a few steps into the washroom where he does a speed run of brushing his teeth and splashing water on his face. When he comes back out, Josh is laying on his side. Tyler takes off his pants but leaves the boxers and tee, and climbs into bed. He presses up against Josh's back, fitting the bend of his knees inside Josh's, stretching the length of his torso against Josh's back. He grabs the thin blanket and throws it over them both, and then relaxes. His noses touches Josh's hair, which also smells faintly of marijuana. Doesn't matter, Tyler thinks. Still Josh.

Josh is almost completely deflated in front of him, save for the hand that reaches back to pull at Tyler's arm. Tyler goes willingly, draping it over Josh's middle, just above the hip. Josh never does this, and neither does Tyler. He can think of all the times Jenna's held him in bed, or even years ago when he tucked his head against Josh's chest in the back of the van- but he can't remember the last time _he_ was on the giving end of things. It's a feeling- odd and good and amazing. He won't mess it up. He won't let Josh down.

“I've got you,” Tyler says, softly as he can.

“ _Tyler_ ,” Josh says, and then nothing. A few seconds later he starts to snore, and Tyler closes his eyes. He doesn't have to wonder what Josh was about to say. He knows.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for staying with me thus far. I hope this chapter didn't seen too long, but I couldn't find a way to split it up. I promise the next chapter will be Very Gay.
> 
> Remember to take care of yourselves. Drink water and eat something, and know that you're doing everything you can right now <3


	7. Major Labels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry about the delay my friends! Here's another long one to make up for it.

 

 

Tylers mind floats peacefully into wakefulness. He's not sure what time it is, and he doesn't care. The sun is warm on his cheek, the mattress is comfortable, and he can hear soft city sounds through the half-cracked window.

He opens his eyes and the room unfolds around him. Josh has shifted far back enough that Tyler has a clear view of his face.

His lips are slightly pursed, mouth open, hair a mess, and Tyler's heart; it _aches_.

The sight of Josh asleep beside him kills any lingering doubt about the decision to be with him. Yes, the thought of all this uncharted territory is still terrifying, thrilling- _anxiety inducing_. So far everything's seemed so abstract: two boys dealing with intangible fears and feelings, grasping blindly for each other in the dark; but now Tyler sees the reason it's all worth it. It's right here beside him, plain as day, not in darkness but in sunlight.

Tyler can hear him breathing. He can watch the rise and fall of Josh's chest. Somehow he forgets that he's seen it a hundred times before; this time it's different.

He hasn't told Josh that he loves him yet.

He wasn't sure- or maybe he was still too scared to delve into the pool of feelings he'd been been repressing for so long. Either way, he's kept it in on purpose. Words like that aren't a game, and Tyler has always avoided saying those specific ones unless he knows they're permanent.

Which is ironic, since he's said them to Josh as a friend plenty of times.

Because- well, he _did_ love Josh as a friend- his _best_ friend – still does.

Josh is Josh... and now he's _Josh._

 

Unimpressed with his inability to articulate his thoughts, Tyler decides he might as well get up and have some food. The thing is: _Josh_. As Tyler goes to move, he realizes that his bed-mate has thrown a leg over one of his own, has gathered his hands in a prayer like position and let them rest against Tyler's chest. They're sharing a pool of warmth under the blanket that will splash out if Tyler leaves.

Tyler's strongest desire is to stay, but he gets an idea in his head that might just justify getting up. He carefully extracts himself from the bed, and tiptoes out of the room.

 

An hour and a half later sees Tyler clean, minty, and on his second attempt at pancakes. The first attempt wasn't bad, but he's since learned that you _really_ have to mix the egg in, otherwise you make something closer to french toast- which probably wouldn't have tasted bad, but the white spots did look pretty weird. He'd had to sneak out to the store to get the ingredients, but thankfully it was early enough for him to go unnoticed by the general public. Josh had a few things left over from when he'd gotten breakfast to-go, but Tyler decides to really stock-up, and get Josh some actual groceries.

The second time is a much bigger success. He makes four pancakes, and gives the two best ones to Josh. They're fluffy and nearly an inch thick. Tyler loads them with berries and syrup, and takes several photos. He's fully aware that's Josh has already done the breakfast thing, and he knows this might reek of copycat-ism- but the way he sees it, food is just one of the languages through which love speaks. Or something.

One of the first things he'd ever noticed after marrying Jenna was that they always seemed to be eating together- and as inconsequential as that seems, Tyler really enjoyed the feeling- still does. There are so many things the movies don't portray about love, and that early morning, tired, warm _togetherness_ while the two of you stuff your faces full of food, is one of them.

So, Tyler makes Josh pancakes.

He's not sure how it's going to go, and he can't deny the pounding in his chest. This whole thing with Josh is still so new and shaky, and Tyler knows he hasn't really done anything for Josh the way that Josh has done things for him. Josh had a rough night and Tyler feels no other motivation than the thought of cheering him up, making him happy. He might also ask Josh if they're boyfriends... or if Josh would like to be- or- what Josh even thinks of that idea. He's not sure if Josh will wake up happy, sad, or embarrassed about the night before, or if he'll even feel like eating- but Tyler has to try.

 

What he doesn't expect is for Josh to be awake on his phone when he comes back. Tyler hears the video before he sees it, and flinches at the sound of his own voice.

It's a clip of his brush with the paparazzi. Tyler's not sure if he wants to experience that again from the other side of the camera.

Josh looks up and sees the plate Tyler's holding.

“Oh,” he says, and a smile covers his frown for a moment. It doesn't last, but it's genuine. Josh takes the plate. “Thanks man, that's awesome. Come sit.” Tyler goes to grab his own, less glamorous plate. He sits beside Josh on the bed, on top of the covers.

“I was gonna tell you about it,” Tyler blurts, as the video ends. “Just- last night wasn't the time.”

Josh nods and looks down at his pancake, smiling a little more.

“It's okay Tyler. I'm not mad. I just wish you'd've said something- you looked _super_ uncomfortable.” Josh nods at the video on his phone, now offering the option to replay it. 

Tyler flinches again- he doesn't want their conversation to go this way- not now.

“Can we just- can we do this later?” Tyler says, and he doesn't mean for it so sound as desperate as it does. His plan has completely unraveled in a manner of seconds. “I just – uh- wanted to talk to you about something else.” Josh is calm, nodding patiently for Tyler to continue. He's so clearly hungover- hair a mess, eyes sunken and dark in the inner corners- but he's there for Tyler. He takes a bite of pancake and doesn't puke, which Tyler counts as a victory.

“I was talking to Jenna about- uh labels- which- I don't think we need- but at the same time it would be nice to just-know where everyone is- with this whole thing- y'know?”

“Labels?” Josh asks, halfway amused.

“Yeah like- um lovers or boyfriends or whatever,” Tyler clarifies lamely. “Like- not to sound cheesy but- what are we?”

Josh shrugs,

“Haven't really thought about it,” he admits. “But it makes sense- certain rules with each one...”

“I mean- we can choose the rules,” Tyler says. “ But yeah- still need to know what they are.”

“Okay,” Josh says. “What are your rules?”

Tyler gulps down a piece of pancake.

“Uh...?”

“Like- you're married to Jenna,” Josh articulates. “So you're allowed to do stuff with me and Jenna, for example.”

“Oh- well yeah,” Tyler says. He gets what Josh means now. He's thought about it himself. “That's pretty much it right there, what you just said.”

“Fair enough,” Josh says. “Same... I mean with you. Not Jenna really- but she's cool- I like her. If I had to share you with anyone I'm glad it's her.”

Tyler gets stuck on these words, takes his time absorbing them.

“So that's what it is,” he mused. “You and Jenna are sharing me.”

Josh raises an eyebrow.

“I mean last I checked that's what was happening?”

“I know- I just-”

“Haven't heard it out loud?”

Tyler nods as Josh finds the right words.

“So- do you have plans to be with anyone else?”

Josh shrugs.

“Not really. Do you _want_ me to stay exclusive?”

“Well- I-” Tyler's caught off guard by the fact that Josh would even ask him. “I don't own you- I can't possibly decide that- especially when I can't be exclusive to you.”

“Yeah, but I know you Tyler. You don't want me to be with anyone else, do you?”

“I'd get jealous,” Tyler allows. “But- don't put this on me!”

“I'm not,” Josh laughs. “Doesn't mean I don't want your input. I mean- it kind of matters now- not that it didn't before...”

Tyler looks down at his plate, feeling guilty despite Josh's reasoning. It's that complex he has, the one that gets suspicious when things are too easy.

“How are you so good at this?” he asks, looking back up at Josh.

“What?” Josh asks. Tyler gestures to the both of them. “Relationships?” Tyler nods.

“I'm not,” Josh laughs. “I suck at them- but I know it's important to talk. And I know _you_ , so that's kind of all I need. We used to talk like this all the time when we first became friends,” Josh said. “Remember? We had the 'best friend' talk? It was super romantic.”

Tyler remembered: a few months before Chris stepped out of the band and Josh stepped in, in his crappy car, parked outside Josh's apartment. Tyler remembers that they talked in parked cars a lot, sitting at their destination but still not ready to part ways. Tyler had never been sure how to address something that already seemed unspoken, but he'd needed to put words to it. He'd needed to know he and Josh were on the same page. There was an inner child within him that still needed a best friend above all others, to claim, and to have claim to him. He still needs that, and he still has it, and he's not sure why the desire persists. Maybe it was never the concept of “best friends,” but the idea of being closer to _Josh_.

“What can I say,” Tyler concedes. “I'm an all-or-nothing kinda guy.”

He means for it to be a tease at himself, and Josh picks up on it if his his smirk is anything to go by. But even then, his eyes are locking with Tyler's, and he pressing forward to steal a quick, sweet kiss.

“I know,” Josh says. “I love it.”

Tyler feels a blush, and his body wants to squirm with pride and affection.

However: he's got one more thing he needs to bring up with Josh. He leans forward to set his plate on Josh's nightstand. It's barely half-eaten; nerves.

“So um. About those labels,” he starts, and Josh nods, giving him his attention. “I think that uh- 'boyfriend' is the best one- the one I want to use- if that's cool? I know if kind of sounds weird but-”

Josh cuts him off with his lips- which he honestly wasn't expecting. He allows a second to kiss back (because it's still Josh) before leaning back and letting Josh get the hint.

“Dude- I was talking,” he says, through a smile. Josh returns it, and they're momentarily sidetracked by giggles at how horribly the moment's been ruined.

“Sorry,” Josh chuckles. “Continue.”

“Right- uh- it sounds weird- at least to me- but maybe I'll get used to it. But uh- it makes sense right?”

“Of course it makes sense,” Josh beams. “It just sounds weird because you've never had one before.”

“Have _you_?”

“No,” Josh shrugs. “Not officially.”

Tyler blinks, His brain short-circuits.

“I'm gonna propose we talk about _that_ another time,” he says. “I can only handle so much.”

Josh gives him a full blown laugh now, and stands up.

“I agree,” he says. “I have a counter proposal.”

“Shoot?”

“I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth. Then I come back in here and we celebrate becoming 'boyfriends.'”

 

When Josh comes back, Tyler has .5 of a second to get his bearings between his back hitting the mattress and Josh climbing on top of him. He has another .5 before Josh's lips press against his own. There's really something to be said for just making out like this- no agenda, no plans to take it further, but also no intention to hold back. Josh is greedy with him, a trait that surprises Tyler still. The kindest, gentlest person he's ever met, is the very same who's got a hand on the back of Tyler's neck, holding him still, taking kiss after kiss after kiss. Tyler loves it. Jenna's got her own charms, but it's never been this- well- _desperate_ before. It doesn't take long for Tyler's mouth to fall open, and Josh goes in, wet and hot and dominating, and Tyler sees stars. He was never a fan of messy, open mouth kisses, but with Josh he seems to be a fan of everything.

Josh- his _boyfriend._

“What?” Josh pulls away when Tyler stills.

“Still weird,” Tyler mutters, looking up at him. “Boyfriends.”

“ _Tyler_ ,” Josh says, voice breaking with laughter. He sits up.“We're doing what boyfriends do. Get over it.”

There's a pause, and there's an idea. Tyler acts immediately, twisting his hips to throw Josh off balance. Josh yelps as he falls, and Tyler pushes up and over, executing a near perfect flip (his foot gets caught in the sheet but Josh doesn't notice).

“Not what I meant,” Josh says through a breathless smile. “But alright.”

“This okay?” Tyler checks, giving Josh an out. Josh snorts.

“Yes- geez- would you just-” Tyler kisses him, effectively ending the sentence (ha, revenge). He settles his body on top of Josh's, letting his hips and chest sink, pinning him down with his weight. He licks inside and presses his tongue against Josh's, warm and instantly satisfying. He matches his motions to the rise and fall of Josh's chest against his, relying on just the one elbow for support. He starts to caress Josh's side with his free hand, deliberate at first, but then as the kiss deepens he feels safe enough to let go. His fingers caress and press where they please, touching Josh- _taking_ Josh- in a way he never has.

It's a thrill. He's never been the type to act this way- not with Jenna or any of the other girls he's dated. He's was always a gentleman- _gentle_ being the key word, always followed the girl's lead, letting her do what she wanted, _when_ she wanted to. He wasn't a pushover, but he never _ever_ wanted to pressure anyone into doing something they didn't want to do. That version of him was soft and insecure, scared that his lovers would leave him at the first misstep.

But Josh won't leave- _Josh wants this_. Tyler feels the body below him loosen, hears the soft hums Josh begins to emit, sounds he'd never considered a man might make. Tyler knows now that he'd been a fool, if his own reaction to Josh's noises are anything to go by. Tyler thinks that he wants to kiss Josh's neck, so he does, and the gasp that follows sends shock-waves through his center. Josh writhes as Tyler nips at his collarbone, then takes a patch of skin into his mouth and sucks.

“ _Tyler_ ,”Josh gasps, hands batting half-heartedly at Tyler's shoulders. “Shouldn't- ah- leave marks-”

Josh's whole body tenses, and Tyler feels it underneath him. He releases Josh's skin, and goes back to his mouth. This time he kisses deep and forceful, and Josh arches into him.

They get lost like this for a long time, straddling a thin line between sensual and sexual, exchanging searing kisses that are just bit too hot. Tyler knows he's toeing the edge of something they really need to talk about first, but he can't stop yet. Just a bit more of Josh gasping into his mouth, just a bit more of those hands strong and warm flowing down his back, those same fingers curling into his hips when he drags his teeth over Josh's bottom lip.

Somehow everything feels real now- truly real. Tyler reasons it's the stark contrast of his actions to the actions he's taken with anyone else. He never bites Jenna, he thinks. She prefers to bite him. He never grabs her hair like this, she never spreads her legs quite like that. Which means that this thing with Josh- it's really happening. It's been happening, but now there's some new element to the feeling. This is something he has with Josh that he hasn't had with _anyone else_. Josh owns this part of him. Josh is his and he is Josh's.

The lines between “best friend” and “boyfriend” don't just blur- they fuse, and suddenly the lingering cognitive dissonance he's been feeling fades away. He's not losing his best friend- he's just in love with him. He's not giving up any aspect of their friendship by being with Josh- he's doesn't have a _damn thing_ to be afraid of.

Tyler pulls away to catch his breath, hoping Josh is too lovedrunk to catch the shaky way he exhales.

Josh catches it. Tyler doesn't flinch when a warm hand cups his cheek.

“What?” Josh whispers, using the hand to steer Tyler's gaze back to him. “Too much?”

Tyler nods, overwhelmed.

“In a- a good way,” he gets out, eyes darting over Josh's face. His soft eyes, downcast lashes, pink lips, faded freckles; it's all the same person he already knows. It's all the same Josh, except that there's so much more of his presence in Tyler's life now. “I have no idea how long I've been in love with you,” he muses, and now Josh's breath hitches. It's the first time Josh has heard these this words from him. “It's all kind of a blur, you know?”

Josh nods, expression completely soft, grateful.

“Yeah I know,” he mutters.

“It's just- I said I was all or nothing- but like- not that being friends with you wasn't everything- but now- now it really feels like I have everything.”

“Yeah,” Josh says again. “Yeah.”

 

Tyler wakes up in Josh's bed, having dozed off minutes into them cuddling. His head is blissfully hazy, his limbs relaxed. He can hear Josh moving around the apartment somewhere, and the sound is oddly comforting. For a moment he feels as if this is his life- living in LA with Josh, sleeping in his bed while Josh puts dishes away in the kitchen- and his heart swells. Tyler's not sure why his mind has gone there, or why the feeling is as strong as it is fleeting- but it shakes him.

He grabs his phone from the night stand.

“Hi baby,” Jenna says, and he hears the croak in her voice. It must be past noon in Columbus- was she sleeping to? “How's it going?” Her tone smooths out a second later.

“Good,” Tyler says. “Um- I talked to Josh.”

There's shuffling. He pictures her sitting up in bed.

“Oh yeah? How'd it go?”

“Well, we're boyfriends now I guess. If that's cool?”

Jenna laughs.

“I suggested you ask him, so yeah it's cool Tyler.”

“Okay...”

There's a silence between, but it's not the comfortable kind. He doesn't like it one bit.

“You okay?” Jenna asks, trying to fill the space. “Figuring a lot of things out?”

“I guess,” Tyler says honestly. “There's a lot of things I'm just- that _we_ are still working through.”

“Right, that's the whole reason you went on this trip,” she reminds him. “You've still got a week- give it time.”

“Yeah, a week and then what? I come back and he stays, and that's it? And you're just gonna take me back?”

“Of course- Tyler we never stopped being married. I hope it doesn't feel that way...” There's an uncertain edge to her voice, like she's worried.

“It doesn't,” Tyler says quickly. “I'm glad we're still... good.”

Jenna exhales on the other end, and Tyler tells himself it's out of relief.

“Can I tell you how my day went now?”

Tyler freezes at her words. The tone isn't menacing, but it's stressed, tired.

“Um- yeah- sorry- ”

“It's fine,” Jenna cuts in. “I've seen some stuff online about Josh- like him and this model person. I don't remember her name but-”

“Maria Hernandes,” Tyler supplies.

“Yes- that's it! _Who is she_? I mean- I know she's a model but like- who is she to _Josh_? They keep going to the same parties and like- I really should follow different people on twitter but- have you talked to Josh about this?”

“Are you...” For once Tyler's grateful that they're talking on the phone and not face to face. If Jenna could see the smirk on his face, she'd freak. “Are you _jealous_ , Jenna?”

There's sharp exhale on her end.

“Pfft- no! I'm just- I'm worried about you. And I kind of assumed it was just- the three of us in this- this...”

“Threesome?” Tyler tries.

“ _Polyamorous relationshi_ p,” Jenna says. “You love me and Josh, I love you, and Josh loves you. I thought that would be it- no one else.”

“Yeah, well I don't even know who she is,” Tyler tells her. “I'm sure he would have said something.”

“But he hasn't?”

“Well- I haven't asked.”

“Maybe-” Jenna stops herself, her tone too hot, too close to the sun. “Maybe you could- and tell me what he says. I'm sure it's nothing.”

“Calm down,” Tyler says, not unkindly. He can practically hear her heart rate jumping as she thinks about it. Jenna's not perfect, but it's still rare that she gets flighty like this. “We shouldn't trust the tabloids over Josh.”

Jenna breathes- in, out.

“You're right. Shit- you're so right. What's _wrong_ with me?”

“Have you been eating gluten again?”

She snorts into the reciever.

“Oh shut up Tyler.”

With balance mostly restored, they chat about more meaningless things like the friends they are. Jenna talks about her family- it's brimming with young kids unlike his own, and every visit is punctuated with the chaos children bring. Tyler loves Jenna's family to death. He thinks that Josh would like them too, and that maybe it wouldn't be _that_ weird for him to meet them. They wouldn't tell them the truth of course- they can't- ever.

Downtime like this, sequestered in Josh's apartment where Tyler's free to kiss him whenever he pleases; it's going to be rare once their lives pick up again. Alone time with Jenna was rare too, but with Josh he's not sure he can do so much as _hold hands_ with him if people are watching. This thought motivates him to get up and wander into the kitchen where Josh is washing a sinkful of dishes. Tyler presses up behind him without pretense, and kisses the tattoo behind his ear.

“Oh hey,” Josh giggles, and turns his head to one side, expectant. Tyler obliges and kisses his lips more fully, settling his hands on Josh's waist. It's a simple kiss but it carries promise, and Tyler hopes Josh is able to sense it. “This is so cliche,” Josh says.

“Is it?” Tyler asks. He leans against Josh, resting his chin on Josh's shoulder.

“Yeah- kissing while one of us is doing the dishes? Happens in movies all the time.”

Well- he's not wrong. Tyler's seen his fair share, and he can't admit that it's not amusing.

“It's always the wife doing the dishes,” Tyler says, and then immediately regrets it. “I mean- not to sound like- and I have a wife but-”

Josh belts out a laugh and turns, and the sight of his smile is like a boon of relief to Tyler. He brings his hands up to cup Tyler's face- and they're wet and soapy, and Tyler jerks backwards.

“Dude!”

Josh is sill laughing, watching Tyler wipe suds off his face, and then suddenly he's back, kissing Tyler and flopping his hands against the fabric of Tyler's shirt to dry them. Tyler's alarmed, but he's laughing to. He's backing away on instinct but Josh's kiss follows him, broken by giggles on both their parts. Tyler's back suddenly hits the fridge-

and they collide with passion, all traces of laughter fading naturally into something deeper, more intense. The happiness is still there, a but it's thick and physical, and Tyler's senses light up with every touch and sound made between them. Josh's rubs cold thumbs into the skin of Tyler's hips, dipping just under the hem of his shirt, tracing the band of his pants and carefully going no lower.

He goes higher though, fingers light and cool, skimming under warm fabric and over the hot skin of Tyler's waist and ribs, brushing tentatively over the soft, vulnerable expanse of his stomach. Tyler opens his mouth before Josh asks, and they deepen the kiss together, letting the place and time and situation melt away.

But then a phone rings. Josh goes still against Tyler, and the two of them listen for it to ring again before they discern that it's Josh's phone going off in his pocket. Josh pulls away and opens his eyes, but he doesn't move past that point. The ringing persists. Tyler imagines this is a call for some party or night on the town, and he wonders if Dustin would approve if Tyler tried to talk him out of it- just this once.

Tyler wonders if Maria Hernandes is gonna be at this stupid party. The ringing persists. And Josh- Josh stays still. Then he presses forward again, ready to resume kissing Tyler.

“Aren't you gonna-?” Tyler asks, and it comes out as whisper. 

“Nope,” Josh decides, flashing a smirk that makes Tyler's stomach do a flip. “Let it ring.”

He goes for a kiss, which Tyler eagerly accepts, and they're at it again. Soon enough, the ringing stops.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo a few things:  
> -Thanks for keeping up with this, I love you.  
> -Thanks for commenting. I love you.  
> -thanks to the usual suspects (marsakat, flightlessnerds, MontyKarl, josh1er on tumblr and coughing-up-daisies on tumblr) for letting me talk this out and putting up with my whining about writer's block and all that good stuff.


	8. Absolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um hi. Sorry for the long break in between updates. Life is hard and writing is harder ':|
> 
> This chapter's a bit slower because the next chapter with hit you in the face with PLOT- or something.

Tyler's been touched and kissed and stripped of half of his clothing. It's much later in the day, back in Josh's room, when the phone rings again. Josh rolls off of Tyler with a groan, and Tyler shivers at how much colder it is without Josh pressed against him. His shirt is off, as is Josh's, and his skin is hot too the touch.

“It's Dustin,” Josh says, biting his lip. “He's been texting me...”

“Answer it,” Tyler advises. “You should- you should probably talk to him after last night.”

Josh nods, cheeks glowing pink.

“Hey man.” Dustin's voice is tinny on the other end, and Josh flinches. “Sorry man- um- not much- what? NO- I- how did you know me and Tyler were.... oh. _Crap_.”

Tyler clues in that Dustin has brought up the fact that he and Josh are an item now, and places a supportive palm on Josh's shoulder. Josh stares up at the ceiling, breath quickening. Despite how easy going Josh is, as open and relaxed he is with friends- Josh is nearing a panic.

“Yeah- I'm- I'm sorry I didn't tell you-”

He trembles, and Tyler acts on instinct. He rolls onto his side and grabs the blanket from it's place around their calves. He pulls it back over the both of them, warm and safe. A beat, and then he pulls it over both their heads. Josh giggles softly; mission accomplished.

“Thanks,” Josh breathes, and while he's talking to Dustin, he's staring right at Tyler, face shadowed by the duvet. His breathing gradually starts to slow as Dustin reassures him and forgives him in the way only a close friend can. Josh is okay again, and so is everything else, for now.

 

“Is there a party tonight?” Tyler asks, when Josh hangs up. Josh bats the blanket off their faces, casusing the warm air to whoosh out. He sets his phone on the nightstand.

“There's a party every night.” Josh punctuates his tone with a smirk, so that there's no doubt in Tyler's mind that he's still smitten as hell. He rolls back onto his side, so that he and Tyler are facing each other. “I'm not missing much if I don't go- this one time?”

“Of course not,” Tyler is quick to say. And he doesn't mean to but he smiles. “Your friends aren't going anywhere. You can see them at the next one I'm sure.” Josh's expression flickers for a moment- and Tyler backtracks. “Not- I'm not implying that-” Josh's laugh shuts him up.

“It's cool man, not like it's not true. There's definitely a core group that does this every night. I have no idea how they have the energy.” _Drugs probably,_ Tyler thinks.

“Beats me,” Tyler says.

“Drugs probably,” Josh says. Tyler's hit with jab of laughter so suddenly that he nearly chokes on air. He shouldn't be laughing this hard- and Josh is clearly a bit confused. Still, there's a glow to his face. It's the pride of having made Tyler laugh. Josh doesn't know this, but Tyler always notices it.

 

They stay in, but decide to do something other than kiss themselves sore.

Instead, they alternate kissing with Netflix, taking turns picking pilots of shows to watch. So far not much is sticking, but it doesn't really matter. They get Pad Thai delivered, and Tyler even goes for a salad on the side. Jenna would be proud.

In fact, he sends Jenna a picture to make sure that she is, in fact, proud.

He takes a selfie after that, and Josh sneaks in with a kiss to his cheek.

 Things slow.

The two of them stare at the picture.

Just as every other first, it's the same and it's not.

Every day they're innundated with pictures of themselves in ads and on websites. Tyler likes to sift through fanart at his own pace, while Josh seeks out memes and tumblr edits. They compare notes often.

They've seen stuff like this plenty of times- pictures of them posing together, close and loyal. Heck, Tyler gets sent “joshler” fanart on the daily.

But this is real. No one drew this picture.

And they look _good_ together.

Finally, Josh cracks.

“Should we... not send it?”

Tyler knows Jenna best, and he barely needs to consider it.

“No, we're sending it.” He hits the button, determined.

And they wait.

Jenna types.

CUTIES

Jenna types more.

SOOOO CUUUUTE

TAKE ANOTHER ONE

 Josh's breath flutters out as the tension dissolves. Tyler relaxes and holds the phone back up. Josh kisses his temple instead, and then his hair- and then they switch. They keep it tame- and it occurs to Tyler that there is a very real threat that these pictures could leak. He figures he's safe as long as they don't go overboard. Friends kiss each other's faces all the time. It's plausibly deniable (possibly). The fans would barely bat an eyelash at these, considering all the pictures and video of them holding hands and hugging.

It's kind of amusing- they've set the norm pretty loose so far, and unintentionally given themselves more room to breathe as a couple. He wants to think that past Tyler and Josh had some sort of notion that they'd eventually be together- but he knows better. They were just drawn together, too foolish to think on it, too attached to pull away, too secure to care about what anyone else assumed about them.

Tyler knows that he needs to do his best to keep that security. If they don't act any different, no one will know what's going on. He wonders if he should talk to Josh explicitly about this, but it's pretty much unspoken that they won't be coming out- at least not for several years.

The reasons are specific and well thought out, the same reasons Tyler's avoided politics like the plague. He knows by now that same-sex issues aren't political anymore so much as they're just human rights- but he also knows that there are pockets of fans with cruel parents breathing down their necks, and he can't bear to alienate them. They need to learn in time, and grow past what they've been taught.

Just like he and Josh did.

Just like Jenna and Jordan did, and Michael, and Madison, and Ashley...

“I'd be okay telling our siblings,” Tyler blurts out. Josh, to his credit doesn't seem confused or need any clarification on what Tyler means. That's a good sign. They're getting the hang of this communication thing.

“I was thinking about that,” Josh says, relaxing back on the cushion. “Mine would totally cool with it- Ashley's bi, so...”

“Huh,” Tyler says, pleasantly surprised by that information. “Mine would be cool too, although I'm not sure they'd really understand.”

Josh shrugs.

“They don't have to understand. They'll support you, right?”

“Always have,” Tyler admits. He thinks about what Zack would say, the faces he'd make- but in the end they'd still hug it out, and they'd still be brothers. “Just uh- no parents,” he says. “Not yet.”

“Agreed,” Josh says. He smirks. “Wow, we're moving so fast,”

Tyler looks up at him suddenly, fearing the words, but catches the playful expression on Josh's face. He weakly shoves Josh's arm.

“Dude, don't scare me like that.”

“Sorry,” Josh is quick, placing a hand on Tyler's knee. “I don't really think that.”

“Not at all?”

Josh nods, corner of his mouth still drawn up, and man, Tyler's always felt _things_ when he did that.

“Nah. Actually wouldn't mind if we moved a little faster.”

“What like- tell our friends?-” Tyler starts, but then he sees the twinkle in Josh's eye and his stomach drops with something hot. He almost squirms. “Oh- _that_.”

For all the cocky flirting Josh is able to pull of with him, Josh suddenly deflates and takes Tyler's hand gently.

“I've been wanting to bring it up for a while,” he says. “If you're comfortable talking about it?”

“Yeah,” Tyler breathes. Hell, he's been meaning to bring it up too, but now that it's on the table he's a nervous wreck. He wants it, but it hasn't come up on his terms- and he hasn't been with anyone besides Jenna, let alone a guy- let alone _Josh_ \- and he's still a bit weird with this stuff- but he _wants it_.

Tyler swallows. _Pull yourself together man!_

“Yeah, I- we should talk about it. Sorry if I get awkward... go ahead.”

Josh's smile evens out, giving Tyler some relief from that goddamn smirk.

“Well I just- I want to do it,” he say. “If you want to. _Whenever_ you want to. When you're ready.” Josh takes a moment to breath, and then presses on. “If you don't that's totally cool too, like I know it can be scary- and you haven't been with a guy so-”

“It's fine,” Tyler blurts. He needs to get a word in before Josh starts rambling nervously. True to form, Josh seems relieved at the interuption. “I'm uh- down to... whatever.”

“DTF?” Josh laughs, and the implication is enough to make Tyler blush, caught off guard. It's a joke though, he realizes quickly, and a funny one at that. He giggles, but Josh is already backtracking.

“Ah- sorry- I hang out with Dustin too much...I'm not like- pressuring you-”

“Dude, it's fine,” Tyler laughs, fully relaxed now and leaning into Josh. “Whatever- yes- _I'm down_. And same. If you uh- don't want to talk about some stuff, we won't.” He takes a moment to reset his mood, letting the laughter fade naturally. At least things feel lighter now, much less forced. “Like uh- can I ask what you've done with other guys?”

Josh shrugs, thinking for a moment.

“Mostly making out, a some handjobs.” His voice cracks a little, but he keeps going. “Not much more than that- and almost all with the same guy.”

Tyler's stomach clenches with different sources of tension. The thought of Josh getting off with a guy is- well, _hot_ \- maybe just in general or maybe because it's easy for Tyler to picture himself in that guys place. The idea makes Tyler restless- but it also makes him freeze with a held breath, a wave of jealousy washing over him. He fights to subdue both these feelings. “It was long time ago,” Josh clarifies. “Before we met.”

“Do I uh- know the guy?”

“Probably not,” Josh says, uneasy. “Anyway, it barely matters now. It was just fooling around, I'm not even sure I was good at it.”

“I'm sure you were,” Tyler says, and Josh looks at him in question. “160 bpm,” Tyler clarifies, not keeping a straight face,

Josh snorts, nudging him.

“I knew you'd bring that up.”

“It was ridiculous,” Tyler justifies. “I still think about it sometimes.”

Josh pauses.

“Wait- the question, or me jerking off?”

“ _The question_ ,” Tyler says, far too quickly. “Oh my god this is so _weird_.” Josh stiffens at the words, and Tyler immediately regrets blurting them out.

“Do you want to stop?” Josh offers immediately. “Like change the subject?”

Maybe. Tyler's still stuck in this loop of wanting to indulge and wanting to restrain himself. It was never like this with Jenna- he knew where the line was and he knew when to cross it.

“No- I just... maybe?”

“It took me a while to accept things,” Josh supplies, seeming to change the subject anyway. “We were taught such shitty things as kids- I don't even think I was ready when I hooked up with... him. The guilt can be pretty hard sometimes- sometimes it still is.”

“What- for being gay?”

“I'm not gay,” Josh corrects softly. “But yeah, for liking guys,”

“Sorry,” Tyler amends. “I mean- I'm okay with all that stuff.”

“You're okay with _other_ people being that way,” Josh said. “That part's easy. It's different when it's you... and worse when it's your best friend.”

“You still have trouble with it?” Tyler asks, and feels how far the mood has shifted. This is important. This is also a conversation they need to have. In fact, they should have had this one first, but they're still such rookies at dating each other.

“Yes,” Josh admits. “But it's not about me- I'm asking if you feel the same- since we were brought up the same way, and like... if it's the fact that it's _me_ that maybe weirds you out.”

“I mean- I always feel guilty,” Tyler half-jokes. “And yeah, going from friends to lovers is supposed to be a little weird, right?”

Josh shrugs.

“I'm not sure. Either way, you're different.”

Josh's face is soft and close. His brows are tilted up, his eyes wide, and his whole body is turned towards Tyler. He's vulnerable.

Tyler suddenly itches to comfort him.

“Come here.”

Josh's gaze flickers over him, questioning.

“Kiss me,” Tyler clarifies. “We can practice until it doesn't feel weird.”

Josh smiles at that, and rolls up onto his knees. He lifts one and straddles Tyler, hands cupping his jaw in what probably supposed to be a joke, but has just ended up creating some sensual energy between them. Tyler grabs for his hips and rubs his palms over the small of Josh's back, and then they melt together. Josh meets his lips with a kiss, settling down onto Tyler's lap, and it feels as if their minds have suddenly quieted.

There are still thoughts, flickers and feelings, but all the extra noise is gone.

This is what matters.

 

A few minutes into this, Tyler shifts with purpose. Josh pulls away to look at him for a cue.

“Lay down,” Tyler says, raw. Josh gladly slides off and lays on his back, and Tyler is off the couch only until he can stradle Josh himself. He props himself up on his hands and knees, and the kiss for a little longer until they're comfortable again.

“We're not going to have sex tonight,” Tyler says. Seeing Josh laid out like this tells Tyler exactly what he wants to do. Things are and aren't automatic with Josh. There are things they both have to figure out, rather than trying to fumble for them. “But tell me if you want to stop.”

“Okay,” Josh breathes, already cluing in. He's pliant when Tyler tugs up the hem of his shirt, sitting up for a moment to pull it off. His skin is warm under Tyler's hands, which wander up the planes of Josh's chest and then back down the ridges of his sides.

They make eye contact.

Tyler leans down.

His lips find the soft skin over the pulse point of Josh's Adam's apple, and Tyler stays there for a moment, lips loosely parted. He stays here for a moment, because he already knows that Josh likes this.

The feel of Josh's heartbeat on his lips can only be described as _intimate._ On it's own that's enough, but Tyler also takes in the feeling as a reminder that Josh is a man, as is he. Maybe Josh is right, maybe he does have some pent-up guilt about this, even though they both know better. Tyler decides to close his eyes and stay here until it goes away.

Josh's hands thread into his hair and run downward, almost reverently. The motion soothes the nerves in Tyler's scalp. It's a silent signal that Josh is okay with this, and that he's here, going through it just the same as Tyler is.

So Tyler moves lower, kissing a line down the centre of Josh's neck, and over the bridge of his collarbone. Josh's fingers flex like a cat's paws, and he hums in pleasure.

Tyler kisses down Josh's sternun, pausing to press a kiss over Josh's heart. He means to move lower but the skin smells so nice here that he stays, and finds himself pressing his forehead against it.

 _This,_ he thinks. _I love **this**._

Josh's hands cease their minstrations and instead hook under Tyler's jaw and tug lightly; _come back up here,_ the gesture says.

Tyler obeys.

Josh's hands, still cupping his face, guide him up until their foreheads gently bump together and stay there. Head and heart- Tyler loves them both.

“Not weird?” he whispers.

“Not weird,” Josh whispers back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you didn't know, the 160 bpm is from an interview ( youtube watch?v=sKbJR7dq_Tc ) where Josh was asked what the quickest he'd ever masturbated was. See, I bring you fic AND knowledge. 
> 
> Thank you for continuing to read this and comment despite my non-existent update schedule. I love you.


	9. Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love everyone who is still in this bar!

 

Tyler wakes up in Josh's bed again. He can tell now by the way that Josh is sleeping that things are little better. He's on his stomach, head turned, lips slack and lightly snoring against the pillow. He really does have thick eyelashes- it's just hard to see by the way his lids are angled down - not up, like someone _somewhere_ dictated they had to be if you wanted to be beautiful.

But Josh _is_ beautiful. And he's probably recovered fully from his late night- but furthermore, something seems fixed within him. Tyler's not arrogant enough to assume that it's because of him or the extensive amount of making out they've been doing (although that certainly can't hurt).

It's the talk, the communication, he figures. There's still a lot they haven't said, but maybe Josh isn't the kind of person that needs to say. He and Tyler are different that way. They can hit all the right notes, be as safe and alone and vulnerable as possible, but if those _specific_ words aren't said ( _I need you, I'm mad at you, I'm jealous,_ etc), Tyler's no better. He'll just end up blurting them out, because he needs that validation, he needs to address his problems in specific terms- but maybe Josh doesn't.

He absolutely _could_ if he wanted to- Tyler is there to listen- but maybe just the fact that the option is _there_ is enough to unravel the knots in Josh's nerves.

Tyler sleeps all the damn time, but he wonders why he's been the one waking up first lately. It's not a bad thing, he supposes. In fact he kind of likes having the extra time to recharge. It's probably jetlag, but he'll take it.

 

Tyler gets out of bed and wanders in to the living room. It's getting a little cluttered with their music equipment and a few cups and plates that he doesn't have the energy to pick up. He flops onto the couch and notices his phone on the coffee table. He must've set it down there and forgotten- as crazy as that notion sounds. Performing aside, Tyler doesn't remember the last time his phone wasn't in the same room as him. He reaches for it- half charged. Not bad for sitting out all night with ten apps open. He goes to close them all- and pauses.

His notes app is still open on a passage of words that he's since shown Josh. _That's a song now_ , he thinks to himself. _This will be a song too._ He opens up a new note. He writes.

He thinks about the peace of the morning- as he's done so many times- but right now it's different. It's not just about his demons finally releasing him; it's about... recovery. He thinks about being vague, like Josh, but it's not enough. He types the words he needs to say, and he feels something unravel with in himself as well. It's therapeutic.

 

“Hey,” Josh says, and Tyler grunts in greeting. He's calm when Josh plops down beside him, and he doesn't flinch when Josh's eyes drift to his phone screen. Still, Josh quickly looks away, and oh man, Tyler loves him for that. He appreciates it so much that he forfeits the phone, placing it in Josh's hand.

They make eye contact, and Josh looks understandably concerned. But his searching eyes find only peace on Tyler's face, so he relaxes.

“When did you write it?” Josh asks, not reading it yet.

“Just now,” Tyler says. “I'm not sure if it's done or not.”

“Oh,” Josh says. “Wow, okay.”

He starts to read, and he takes his time.

Tyler thinks about what happened the last time he showed Josh what he wrote, and he almost squirms (almost).

It's not like that this time around- and that's important. They need the calm as much as they needed the passion.

“I love everything you write,” Josh says. “And I love this.” He pauses. “I don't think it's done. Here.”

Tyler takes the phone.

“What's it missing?”

“I'm not sure,” Josh says. “I mean- it's great- it's happy- but like- _subdued_. Why? What happened that made it like that? I want to know.”

“You want it to tell a story?”

“No,” Josh defends. “No, I just want... the answer? Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Tyler says. “But I just said the words I needed to say. The answer's in there.”

“It's not though,” Josh says. “You danced around it. It's like a book with a page missing.” Josh pauses. “Is it me?”

“Partially,” Tyler conceded. “But I'm not putting your name in a song.”

“Of course not,” Josh easily agrees.

“It's about recovery,” Tyler supplies.

“And I get that- but why would you limit that? Why would it be so subdued? If you've gotten better, shouldn't you just go with that?”

“Ah,” Tyler says, and he suddenly understands Josh's confusion. Josh doesn't have an addictive personality, that inner struggle. He's never been suspicious of himself when things seem okay, he's never had to pace his emotions out because he knows how to share them properly. He knows that Josh has his doubts- tons of them- but he's usually able to ignore them and say what he really means. It's why people love him so much, so easily.

Tyler gets a lot more confused. How can he possibly be sure he's telling the truth about something- such as being happy, or being recovered, if his mind is going to contradict him 5 minutes later? Often times he has to stop and figure out what he's really feeling as opposed to which chemicals his broken brain have decided to get high on. So yeah, he needs to pace himself. Even if the feeling is good. Even if there's an obvious cause.

Tyler has to hold everything in, and choose what to show and when. Josh is his best friend- and more- so he gets to see almost everything- but Tyler can't help but run it all through a filter first. He's grateful to think that he can tell Josh how he feels even if he's not sure where it came from, or if it's 'blurryface' whining. It's a level of honesty that he needs to have with someone- but it's also so intimate that he can only really manage it with Josh and Jenna... and ironically, a bunch of fans.

 

He takes a deep breath and does his best to explain this all to Josh. He gives him the answer.

“Oh!” Josh says. “I get it. But- you _know_ things are better, so...”

“But how do I know that they're _all_ the way better?” Tyler shrugs. “I don't, so I just kinda...”

“Right, progress is a slow process,” Josh says, and nods with understanding. “Hey- you should call it that- it would make everything make a lot more sense.”

“What?”

“Progress,” Josh recites. “I mean it's your song- it's not my place to tell you what to do with it but...”

“It's fine,” Tyler laughs. Josh is so considerate when it comes to this, even though Tyler clearly wanted his input. When he looks back at his phone, he sees that this really is the missing piece. That one word carries such a load, one that could mean so many different things depending on the person. Tyler really likes that aspect of it. 

“That's a really good idea,” He tells Josh. “I'm gonna do it.” 

 

Some breakfast, showers, and kissing later, Tyler's lazing on the couch with Josh's head using his thigh as a pillow. They're both on their phones, and it feels so normal that Tyler almost forgets that things have changed between them.

Josh pulls the phone away from his face and looks up at Tyler.

“Come with me tonight.”

 

Tyler doesn't have to ask; Josh has received yet another invite, and wants him to come. Josh hasn't forced Tyler to do anything up to this point, and he's not forcing Tyler now, but the request is more forward. It's the same way Josh asked Tyler to come to LA with him. _Will you take a leap of faith for me?_

Tyler's meets Josh's sideways, upside-down gaze, and thinks that he wants to touch Josh's face, and maybe kiss him from this angle. And maybe stay inside for another week, in the dark, breathing stale air, keeping Josh all to himself – and he thinks that maybe Josh deserves to get what he wants here.

 

Tyler leaps. An few hours later he's shaved and showered and walking up a set of stairs from where the Uber dropped them off. There are a few people hanging out on the steps and in the yard, basking in the anonymity of the dim light now that night has fallen. Tyler still feels exposed, still feels like someone with a camera and a microphone is gonna pop out and make him justify coming to a party with Josh. He's worried a random he's never met will read into the actions too much and drunkenly ask if they're dating.

They _are_ , but they don't want anyone to _know_ that. The thought is terrifying. His anxiety flares worse now, and the scenarios ping off one by one:

He'll be awkward and embarrass Josh.

He'll be bombarded with questions from insensitive people.

He'll slip up and out Josh and himself.

He'll be too quiet and people will judge Josh for it.

He'll be too loud and people will wonder why Josh brought him.

He'll be evaluated to make sure he actually deserves Josh, and it'll be decided that he doesn't-

 

Tyler staunchly reminds himself that he's here for Josh. He's here to made him happy.

Hours ago, he'd also decided it would do him good to actually meet some of Josh's friends, _before_ he decides that they're just out to get him. He'd resolved to come for his own benefit too, and not to hide in the cave of Josh's apartment for two weeks- though right now all he wants to do was go back.

“You okay?” Josh asks, elbowing him. They've stopped at the door, about to go in, and Tyler swallows. “I'm right here. It'll be fine.”

And the thing is, Josh is right. It'll be fine because they've been through worse, together. Tyler nods. Some of the fear seems to fade, and he replaces it with reassurance, confidence. He opens the door himself.

 

It's just a party, and he's been to them before- though never in a house is _freaking huge,_ and comically luxurious. Tyler looks around, and Josh stops to let him.

There's a casual air to the whole thing- PBR on the counter and regular old party mix in the bowls- but Tyler doesn't miss the sheen on the stainless steel appliances or the convex-curved 72-inch TV in the living room. Maybe he's reading too far into it, but there's an image being projected here, and he sees it.

It makes him defensive, it makes him want to stick to Josh's side even more- but he's determined to be successful at this. When he's in Columbus he's a social animal, checking everyone off on his list of friends and family to visit. He loves the attention back home, so this shouldn't be much different- but here he wants none of it.

 

“Oh hey man,” says a person that Tyler vaguely recognizes from one of Josh's instagram posts. He's possibly also a musician, which wins him some points, but that's all Tyler knows. Josh has too many friends to keep track of.

“Hey!” Josh perks up like a puppy being offered a ball, and he goes in for a hug. The two are all smiles when they break apart, and Tyler's left trying not to seem as third-wheel as he is. The guy looks at Tyler, and nods respectively.

“Hey man, I'm Chase.”

“Tyler.” He's glad that there seems to be no expectation for him to shake hands or be physical.

“We've been hounding Josh to bring you out one night- he talks you up enough as it is!”

This is news to Tyler- but okay it's not really _bad_ news...

“Oh great, now I have a reputation,” Tyler jokes.

“A good one,” Chase promises. “You want a drink?” Tyler clues in that this might be the host, and Tyler shakes his head.

“Actually I don't drink.”

“Oh okay cool. You smoke?”

“Nope.”

“Vape?” Josh very quietly snorts beside him.

“Still nope.”

Chase just shrugs.

“That's cool, just let me know if you need anything.”

Chase walks away to go check on some other guests and Tyler feels Josh's gaze on him. He turns.

“What?”

Josh just keeps smiling. Tyler groans.

“Fine whatever, he's really nice. I can't wait to embarrass myself by forgetting his name in twenty minutes.”

Josh laughs and reaches his hand up- and there's a flash of something between them, perceived danger, and the hand falls.

“Sorry,” Josh mumbles. “I was gonna...”

“It's okay,” Tyler says immediately, though he's not even sure what Josh was about to do. Kiss him? Pull him closer? Cup his cheek? “Everyone will be too drunk to notice soon.”

“I just want you at my side,” Josh confesses suddenly, and Tyler can only blink in surprise. Another easy admission from Josh, of something it would take Tyler two weeks or one song to say. “We don't have to touch even- I just want you to _be_ there.”

Josh smiles again, weakly; but it's brighter than the dimness of the foyer, stirring something in Tyler's heart that's stronger than his fears. Any argument he'd had against coming here (and there were _several_ ) just melts away. Tyler carefully puts his hand on Josh's shoulder, a gesture that's easy to dismiss as platonic, that no one will bat an eye at. Only they know what it means, and Tyler likes it that way. 

“Let's go meet more of your friends.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things: 
> 
> I can't think of a single writer that isn't flawed, especially in the social sense. This is all written interaction, no face-to-face required, but I am still always scared to update, and guilty because it usually takes a long time. We pressure ourselves a lot. Sometimes I don't answer comments if they're too old or if I don't have the social energy (which is often), and by the time I sign back onto a03 it's been 80 days because life happens, and the guilt keeps me from saying anything, or from saying as much as want to say. I'm sorry. No one seems to have held this against me. You are all very understanding!!
> 
> I hope this community continues to be as welcoming and understanding as it's been these last few years. Please continue to show support and patience with each other, the same way you do with me!


End file.
